Amble along the journey of life

Let's end this..

2011-07-24T00:30:00.002+10:00

It started one day, somewhere when someone said the wrong thing and offended another person.. Was it on purpose? Was it a slip of tongue? Was it a pure misunderstanding? I don't know and I have no interest to seek the truth.

However, it grew deeper each day.. Hatred and dissatisfaction were passed down to another generation.. Both were bonded by blood and name but hated to be so. I wish this would end.. at my generation.. Made a promise with Ronald, that whatever happens with the folks won't affect our relationship with each other.. Whatever happened in the past shall remain there and not affect how we treat others now..

I do not mind if you wish to continue the such negative practice.. but as a wise and God fearing person, I shall forgive and forget.. and hopefully one day you will see that there's no point to continue such antics..

Things that my kids said - 1

2011-06-21T22:15:00.002+10:00

Kids say the darnest thing.. and I always thought these monsters are innocent..

In my year 5 class~

Moi: I do not think it is a good idea to go for plastic surgery just to enhance our beauty, instead we should cherish what God has given us.

Kid A: Miss Lee, have you had plastic surgery before?

Kid B: Isn't that obvious that Miss Lee did not have plastic surgery?

Moi: Huh? *trying to decode what the kid really meant*

Kid B: *covers his mouth and quickly turns his head away to focus on his homework upon noticing what he said would warrant a killer stare and guarantee miserable English lessons for him till the end of the year*

Moi: *Still trying to compute what the kid was saying while looking puzzled in front of the class.*

Few hours later, I DISCOVERED THAT: Kid B thinks I look too plain to be the result of a plastic surgery.

p/s : Can't blame me that I treat my year 4 students better *they said I was the best teacher among the three new teachers BECAUSE I'M PRETTY!!!!*

You are nothing less than perfect

2011-05-02T21:04:00.003+10:00

I was listening to some random songs on the radio until this particular lyric caught my attention : 'you are nothing less than perfect'. Considering the amount of sexual, violent, anger-related lyrics present in today's songs, it's rather out of the blue to find such a meaning phrase in a popular song sang by PINK.
How many of you have considered yourself less intelligent compared to that girl/ boy in class or less popular compared to the bunch of people who are always at the center of attention? How many of you was told that you are stupid, that you can't make it, that you are no good compared to somebody else's daughter or son?

I think people who give negative, harsh comments to others have little consideration for people' feelings. I was once told that I am too short, too thin, too ordinary as a girl. Perhaps those people who said so had no bad intentions or whatsoever but I felt so hurt inside that my self esteem went down the drain almost immediately. From that day onwards, I made a note to myself that no matter how negative a situation might be in the future, I would try my best not to say things so bluntly, at least not right at the face. (^.^) white lies are permissible sometimes.

Though what others say may greatly influence your self esteem but what important most is how you perceive yourself. When you look in the mirror, do you see a confident person? Do not think you are 'not that pretty, not a smart lad, not so talented' because others say so.

Remember, nobody can bring you down, because you are nothing less than perfect.

You are a set of specially designed puzzles that fit nicely to each other to form a perfect picture.

Had enough of dramas?

2011-03-20T17:53:00.002+10:00

Since young the idiot box has been my faithful companion whenever I am bored or home alone. Thus far, I have watched myriad dramas in various languages – Spanish, Philippines, Hong Kong, Japanese, Korean, Thailand, Taiwanese, Indonesian..

You know how people always say watching these dramas have no positive influence on children, especially students who need to study and get As in exams. But that is not true, at least not for me. I have actually benefited a lot from watching all these dramas.

Bollywood movies: When I was young, my relatives frowned on my sister and I because we watched Bollywood movies. However, that did not stop us from sitting in front of the TV every Saturday from 2 – 6pm to enjoy our Bollywood shows.

The essence of Bollywood movies: Love – sing – fight – sing – happy ending.

After all the dancing and smooching, there will be a fighting scene where the male protagonist has go through a torturous endeavor in order to save his damsel in distress.. after all the fighting and blood oozing here and there, the love birds will finally reunite and be all lovey dovey again..

My dad’s comment: I only like the scenery in Bollywood movies. *yes, it’s true, Bollywood movies have heaps of breathtaking sceneries*

My much loved Bollywood movies:

1) Khabi Kushi Khabi Kham *I cry everytime I watch it.. without fail*

2) 3 idiots – A story about friendship and life J

3) Taare Zameen Par – An inspiring story about a teacher and a child with dyslexia.

Lesson learnt:

After watching all the Bollywood movies, I have learnt that a close-knitted family is what matters in life. If you do not get the blessings from your parents, do not get married *hahaha*. I also learnt that tough and sweet times will come and go, neither one will last forever.. So, sing and cherish each moment like our Bollywood friends and put up a good fight when tough times come!

Korean dramas: I am in love with Korean-related stuff to the level slightly below sasaeng fans.. FYI: ‘Sasaeng fans’ are those who would do crazy things just to be near their idols a.k.a stalkers.

The essence of Korean dramas: Love story between the rich and the pauper.

There will also be a faithful and out-of-the-world-ly sweet 2^nd female or male lead that pours all his/ her life to be there for the protagonist but the love was never reciprocated *doesn’t your heart ache for them? sobb*.

My much loved Korean dramas:

1. God of study: Five ‘hopeless’ students strive to obtain entry into the country no.1 university. It is a really inspiring drama for burnt-out teachers like me.

2. Midas: I find this drama about financial world and manipulating others rather interesting. Love the quote: Money is not evil, the love of money is evil..

3. Sungkyungkwan scandal: There is no reason why you should not love Mr Park Yoochun *smitten*. The storyline is good and the new lines of actors are pretty talented too.

Lesson learnt:

1. Do not be defeated by the world, live a decent and honest life, God knows your prince charming *with few billionsss of inheritance* might come knocking on your door one day.. :P

2. What goes around comes around, what goes up must come down. If you are blinded by jealousy and evil deeds, your prince charming will leave you for the poor beautiful enemy of yours or worst still, you might be dragged into jail and will not even be given camera time in the last ‘happily-ever-after’ episode.

3. Not all who treat you good have nice intentions. Be careful and discerning in making friends. Just when you thought that the Ahjussi loves you wholeheartedly, he might dump you for his ex-wife *too much of Paradise Ranch lately*.

Not to mention, I pick up my Cantonese, Malay and Korean solely through watching dramas..

SO... make your kids sit through dramas on TV because they are good for them.. to a certain extent.. =D

Deciphering ‘Love’

2010-12-29T10:35:00.005+10:00

1 Corinthians 13: 4-7

Love is patient, love is kind.

It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Many people claim that they know how to love and that they have loved. However, they got angry, hurt the people that they love and never forgive. I am one of those ‘people’. Love is the essence of Christianity, love is the core of any relationships, love is what keeps the world going. Yet, as a follower of Christ, as a daughter, as a sister, as a friend, I sometimes forgot how to love.

Love is a learning process, love knows no boundaries, love takes no heed of your skin colours, family background, race and religion beliefs.. Love is simple yet many people find it hard to understand. For me, love is when somebody treats me well, when he is around, when things are going well. I hope I will soon know that love also exists when things do not go well, when I feel the world is against me, when I am angry, when he is no longer there.. I hope I will find strength from the right source of love, God’s love. I pray that I will continue to love despite the situations, continue to trust and persevere, and have faith in God’s love.

picture taken from princessbbyin

End of holidays, back to work!

2010-09-23T23:13:00.003+10:00

I realise I tend to start my entry with this sentence "it has been so long since I last wrote an entry.." so uncool but that's what I really wanna say!!!

Firstly, procrastination is a bad habit that is hard to drop *I'm thinking, perhaps it's an innate characteristic of human*; secondly, I just can't take my eyes off Korean drama series and variety shows.. I'm so into korean stuff that 90% of the songs in my itunes are Korean songs, 200GB *perhaps more* of my hardisk is filled with korean stuff, 50% of my facial products are made in Korea and I spent 80% of my free time for the past few months reading, listening, decoding and learning Korean.. Luckily I did not have Korean dreams.. :P

There were a few things that I really wanna write about.. But now I could not remember all of them.. *scratch head*

1) I just realise how awkward it feels to be with my cousins
My dad shares really close rapport with his siblings but that’s not the case for the new generation. I, in particular, do not blend well at all with other cousins. It’s kinda sad and awkward every time when we had dinners and everyone would choose to sit with their ‘gang’ while I sat obediently beside my parents. Perhaps I should mingle more with them and talk at their level huh..

2) I finally booked my tickets to Aussie
After all the waiting and thinking, I finally booked my tickets to Australia. Gonna plan my trip and catch up with all my friends.. though not many left.. Lotsa planning and booking to do.. Haven’t found accommodation and transport to and fro airports.. Arrgghh..

3) I received an offer to join Golden Key organisation
The letter says that membership is only by invitation to 15% of the top students from renowned universities in the world. Okay, I am slightly flattered but dad says it might be another money-making student organisation out to squeeze some money from nerds.. I say, go for it – spend AUD$95 for membership.. because I’m a nerd! *God knows if I will benefit from it later.. :P*

I won't be writing again until my prac finishes unless I have wonderful/ interesting/ weird/ sad/ emo updates to share.. Till then, tata!!

With high hope comes great disappointment

2010-09-01T17:34:00.002+10:00

I have been waiting for this day for so long. I toiled and sweat and be cruel to myself so that my effort would pay off, that I would graduate with first class, from QUT.

I was really happy when I got to know I had high chances to get first class. Everything was going well and I really wanted to graduate in overseas. My parents promised me that they would come and see me in my graduation robe, even if that means they had to go all the way to Australia.

But they don't really mean what they say. They said they would go then no, yes, no, yes, no. I have been waiting for this day for 8 damn long months!! I worked hard for this for the past two years and now everything is not going to happen because they did not really want to attend. They can't make time, they asked me to go by myself.

Wouldn't it be easier if they just tell me so from the beginning? Why because of other siblings' mistakes and faults that they want to vent their anger on me by not attending my graduation? LOL, I really don't know how they think..

안녕하세요

2010-07-27T00:33:00.006+10:00

Hello!!!! Annyeong!! It has been a really long time.. Blame laziness!

For the past few months I have been indulging in heaps of Korean variety shows, songs,movies and books. So much that I forgot how to speak proper English. Man, and I thought all these months of Korean indulgence had damaged my cognitive abilities and messed up my linguistic intelligence. More disadvantages (rabun mata, couch potato, indigestion due to lying down 17 hours per day) than advantages (learn the language through exposure, charming small-eyes lads *one of the criteria for my future husband*).

Well, the advantages were not apparent until I learn how to write Korean alphabets. Just two days ago I was learning how to read different letters that form a hangul and now I can decode and form simple hangul. Self taught Korean.. Not bad huh.. :)

I think it is so much easier to learn Korean especially if you know Mandarin. They have so many words in common and watching Chinese subs allows me to pick up Korean words even faster.. (^.^)/

Gosh, I feel so happy being able to decode, form and use Korean language.. I am falling deeper in love with this place, this culture, this language. It is like discovering a whole new world.

Other than exploring Korean stuff, I have been going down to Melacca rather.. often.. Been there three times in just six months. Actually I just came back from Melacca yesterday.. Went for a day trip with Morgz, the faithful driver who took only 1.5 hrs to reach Melacca from KL *speeding all the way yet says that he does not like to drive fast.. :P* Had great food and great company *ben ben!!!!!! he always treats us meals and even bought me shoes last time.. aiyo!* Life is simple and nice.. :)

Though things are difficult here in Malaysia, though my heart is in Korea, though I want to study in Australia, though I want to run away, God seems to be hinting something.. I enjoy the food here, my family is here, I can grow in a good church here, He has closed the door in Australia, He has blessed me with a result that could get me even further in life. He has a plan laid out for me. I thank God for His blessings. Let Your love unfurls, I am waiting for Your call.

Ok, that sums up my life so far! Ta-da (^.^)

To her..

2010-07-27T00:22:00.002+10:00

To her..

You think the world is against you,
You think we care no more,
You think only your heart is hurting,
You think we want more of you.

You think He has left,
You think we do not know,
You think you should just die,
You think our eyes are blind towards your sorrow.

Why are you so familiar,
Like my reflection when I am standing in front of the mirror,
Why are you doing this, again and again,
Thinking our concerns are just pretends.

This is your fight against darkness,
Open your eyes and see the angels of God standing right beside you,
Cheering you on as you take the step of faith into His embrace,
This is your fight, fight it well.

We will be waiting here, like we have always been, for you to come back, victoriously.

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

2010-05-23T12:56:00.002+10:00

Finally!! Yesterday I met up with a bunch of friends from secondary school.. Nothing much have changed.. except our waistline.. :D

For some reasons my friends all came back to Seremban on the weekend which I decided to stay in IPBA.. but I decided on the last minute to come back and meet up with them *because Seremban is just 90 minutes from KL.. :D*

Amanda just came back from her trip to Brisbane and I have not met her for like 3-4 years perhaps?

Nang Yong.. I think I met him early this year..

Chao Yian.. I met him a few times this year..

Yi Qing.. almost 3-4 years of not seeing him.. *great relief :P*

Brian On.. my beloved of all time.. After three long years, I met him at a least expected place.. I seldom visit tesco and just when I was pulling the cart, thinking about him, he appeared right in front of me.. We gave each other a real tight hug and were overwhelmed with happiness! The person who have always been there for me, through dark times and love me for who I am..

You guys are really friends whom I will cherish until the very end of time..

I heart you guys ALOT!!

Maturity - countless experiences and reflections

2010-05-11T19:28:00.002+10:00

I believe maturity is the result of countless experiences and reflections. I see maturity as a facet of beauty. When a girl is matured in thinking, she is beautiful, confident and wise.

Maturity is the hardest thing that I have been trying to grasp. It comes through experiences, through hurtful events, through foolish actions, through reflections, through reading other people's blogs, through reading God's words.

I once did a foolish thing by posting a comment that hurt a girl who happens to still like a guy that I was seeing. I hurt her with my insensitive words and my stupidity. At that time, I was too overwhelmed with my negative thoughts and could not care less how she must have felt.

I just shrugged off the effects of my actions and continue to live like a spoilt little girl.. until one day I chanced upon her blog entry.. She was reflecting on herself.. stating that she was grateful that she followed her mom's advice to not 'wear her heart on her sleeve'.. Apparently she was quite disturbed by the comment I posted but she chose to not to retort. She was deeply hurt but she accepted it. I felt so ashamed of myself.. to aggravate a girl's wounded heart with my insensible words. By the time I realised the effects of my actions, it was too late. I really wanted to tell her that I am sorry.

It was a good lesson learnt. As I know God has been testing me over and over again on this matter. To hold my tongue when a conflict arises. To think twice before I speak. Because whatever that comes out from my mouth will reflect my personality, maturity and spiritual growth. It prepares me for the situation happening now in my life.

I have a really close friend whom I dearly called 'babe' and treasure in life. But now she is lashing her tongue, calling me a bitch on facebook. I believe this is the time God is testing me again -would I retort and start a bitch fight or will I keep quiet and let it be. I choose to let it be, she used to be my best mate, so I would not call her a bitch. I will not wear my heart on my sleeve again and start some emo posts on facebook. I will write to her and apologise but I will make my point so that she sees her responsibility in this situation too.

I think it's time to internalise God's words and learn from my past mistakes. Grow up grow up :)

Dreams that linger

2010-05-04T11:43:00.005+10:00

This morning I had another surreal dream.. It reminded me of other similar dreams that I used to have..

My dream this time involves some secret agents and highly intelligent missions. This time I dreamt of two girls. They were injected with some fluid which made them.. have all the bad luck in the world.. *somehow everywhere they go, they can't seem to escape..*

They were at this building, trying to escape before they were being hunted down. They tried to break through the windows but guess what.. the windows were secured with iron bar *bad luck*.. Then they risked their life to run around the building in search of an exit.

They made it out and into another building.. They came up to the roof only to find that they could not escape to the opposite building where help was available. Apparently Ning was staying opposite the building and he had some secret agent friends who certainly did not look like one *most are ottaku and play computer games all day*.. Anyway, Ning came to the rescue.. And the girls went running up and down the stairs.. They were injured, bruised and wounds all over their body.. I was there, I was with them.. *that's the beauty of dreams, you come in whenever you want!*

Anyway, one of the girls wanted to jump into a windom from the roof of the building.. And she called me *shit, you are seriously not expecting me to jump that far, right! I'm not gonna be your white mice! I see nothing but death if I were to jump!* <-- monologue

Anyway, she did not ask me to jump. Instead, she jumped.. and she succeeded.. But she was not as lucky when she attempted another jump.. She fell from the storey-high building.. All of us witnessed the few seconds before her death. She did not scream. Perhaps she knew she was going to die and was just trying her best to survive.

At the same time, Ning came up with a brilliant idea.. "Why not we ask my friends for help?" *dang, you should have done that long time AGO!!!* Ning tried to shout across the building but nobody heard him because the ottakus were wearing headsets playing games.. One thing cool about these secret agents is they are able to control electronics using their fingers.. *like the xanadu 2.0 house built by Bill Gates*..

Anyway, Ning went back to his place without the girl *cause the girl wil bring all the bad luck along*.. And one of the Japanese Ottaku promised to help. He rescued the girl and fixed her wounds *it's a method called glassing - shatter all the bones and reassemble them again, using razor*.. *why my imagination is never this good when writing assignment/ during exams???* The Japanese guy tried to extract the deadly fluid which caused all the bad luck.. Then the unfortunate thing happened.. He realised that it was a curse that could not be reversed.. He explained the situation to the girl and the girl finally submitted to her fate, to die.. She died a comfortable death and was cremated to avoid the spread of the curse..

She did not struggle, lament or cry.. She thanked the Japanese guy and closed her eyes. She acknowledged her fate..

I always think my dream is telling me something.. because they seem so real.. another dream that involves death..

내가 잘못했어

2010-04-27T20:36:00.004+10:00

Naega jal mottaesso.. Thought I was wise, thought I had loved enough..

When are you going to wake up? Come on!! He does not even care!

Jinja pabo!

Next stop, unleashed!

2010-04-23T16:31:00.006+10:00

Monday 26/4/2010 will mark the end of my assignment life in these 5-yrs of B.Ed TESL course. Sleepless nights, crappy groupmates, shitty assignments, bad grades, NO MORE!!! oh well, bad grades will haunt from time to time but yea.. finally! some time for me to pamper myself, fix my health, slim down!!!, hang out, enjoy my final year and the company of my beloved coursemates.

I went through 5 years of primary education, 5 years of secondary school life and 5 years of life-transforming uni-life. Can't believe I have aged so much!! All the efforts I have put in, all the tears I shed, all the lessons I have learnt, all the laughters that I so treasure.. they will all go into my pandora box.. :)

I will do my very best for this last assignment, JIA YOU!!! Make mommy and daddy proud by getting FIRST CLASS from QUT!!!

I know I will miss this feeling of cramming for exams, rushing to meet deadlines and having a blast with my mates. I will remember, I will remember it well.

During our 1 Malaysia assembly

Drawing strength from you, my Lord..

2010-03-24T15:37:00.002+10:00

I cried after reading the email.

This family is falling apart.

I know I need to do something but I do not know what to do.. and I'm too afraid to shoulder this burden.

I have been a good girl, I have. I'm trying my best, I'm trying.

God, can you send someone to help me? to hold my hands as I face the challenges?

You know my frustration, my sadness. Can you carry me this time? My feet are bleeding and I don't think I can take another step. I'm reaching out my hands, please hold me.

Live my dreams

2010-03-23T00:07:00.003+10:00

Somebody once said that you cannot really control the first 20 years of your life, but you can control the rest of your life.

When we were young, our parents would tell us that tuition classes are necessary, piano/ dance lessons are a must, scoring straight As is our ultimate goal of studying, marrying a rich and successful partner should be our aim in life. When I was young, those kinda thinking sorta got drilled into my head, well, not exactly the same like above.. but quite similar..

But, as I grow up, I look forward to different things in life.. look at things from different perspectives.. dream of things I want but could not have in childhood.

Now that I'm 21, I promise myself that from this year onwards, I would make these dreams, into realities.

Things to be achieved by the end of this year:
1) Learn piano and play Haru Haru
2) Learn ballroom dancing
3) Able to drive on my own
4) Finish reading the whole bible
5) Exercise for at least 30 minutes per day
6) Save up RM3k
7) appreciate more, complain less (^.^)

I know life would be.. hard when I try to fit all these into my already hectic schedule.. ohh well, who cares.. at least life is meaningful and worth the fight! Gonna make it happen!! :)

Old song from the past

2010-03-17T01:41:00.003+10:00

I'll be blogging alot these days; not because I have too much time to kill, but simply because my tendency to blog when there's pressure during assignment period.

This morning I chanced upon my friend's msn status which reminded me of a very popular song back in secondary school days. The song is 黄昏 by 张栋梁. Almost every student in my secondary school could sing that song. You hear it on radio, on the street, in shopping malls, practically everywhere.. except mamak stalls*.. That song also propelled 张栋梁 into stardom and he is known in almost all chinese communities around the world.

This song brings back the memories of Form 3, when I was secretly liking this person and the book that I used for copying song lyrics and journaling *found the book during spring cleaning this year and I threw it away without any regret*.. This song reminded me of those girls whom I called best friends.. This song reminded me of the times when I was still innocently believing in fairytales..

But, glad that I found this song.. It's like finding another lost puzzle piece..

I'm not sure if you have heard it before, here's the link..

黄昏 by 张栋梁

Hope this song will bring back your fond memories.. =)

My love for small eyes (-.-)

2010-03-15T22:58:00.010+10:00

I have this soft spot for guys or cartoon characters with small eyes since... ... I first know how to like somebody. As far as I can remember, I never had a crush on somebody who has big eyes.

I guess my love for small eyes stems from childhood. My relatives always comment that I have small eyes and therefore not as pretty as my sisters who have big round eyes.. (Since small-eyed people are not loved, I vowed to like only guys with small eyes.. ahahahhaha..) I guess I like small eyes because they define me..

My sis & I *notice her big eyes*

My love for small eyes started with:

1) Mashimaro

my favourite character:
I have a lot of Mashimaro merchandise, including my PJ.. =)

2) Jay Chou

I adore him for many years.. Bought all his albums and got his signature in KL.. But, too bad he is a womanizer..

3) Joo Ji Hoon

I fell in love with him after watching "Goong".. Too bad he smokes.. *me hate smokers!!!!*

4) Tae Yang

He is talented: can sing, dance, play piano and he is a devoted Christian.. =)

5) G-dragon

First of all, he shares the same birthday as me!!!! Talented as well, can compose, sing, dance, play piano..

Do you see the pattern now?? all guys with small eyes!! =)

I met a dreamer

2010-03-09T20:49:00.007+10:00

I met a dreamer today.. Very surprised to know the other side of him.. He always appears to me as a nice, helpful, easy-going, quiet guy.. By chance, I get to read his blog today and gosh, I must say, he is one good writer, a precious child of God and a reflector..

I found his writing to be authentic, genuine and from the bottom of his heart.. Sometimes we write blogs to target certain audience - You insert and take out certain things to please the audience.. But I enjoy reading his blog. Not because of juicy gossips or special revelations that I want to know about, but his simple and honest reflections on life, on being himself.

Here are a few entries that really caught my eyes..

1) He shared about his struggles to get right with God.. to prioritise God, church and lifegroup. All these while, I did not really see him as a committed Christians *sorry that I judged you..* But after reading his blog, I feel so ashamed of myself that I judged him.. and it blesses my heart to see that how he is honest with his feelings and his determination to put God first. I believe that everyone grows at different pace, at different stages in their walk with God. And I'm proud to see him growing towards being Christlike..

2) He posted a Malay essay that leaves me in stitches after reading it. I guess I prefer to read blogs which are reflective, informative, entertaining and educational.. His blog fits most of the criteria.. I could not stop reading his blog and it helps me go through the two hours of brain torture with ease..

3) Life gives him crap sometimes but he shows maturity and wisdom in overcoming different problems.. He chose to honour God and rebuke actions that do not bring glory to His name. Though he is not a leader in lifegroup or able to recite verses from the bible, I respect him.. for being who he is, for acknowledging God in his life, for his genuine pursuit of Godliness..

I respect you as a friend, as a brother in Christ, morgz.. I know that God will unfurl your life with blessings and love. Keep it up!

*Ben, Kelsey & Morgan - 2008*

Sushi buddy in KL

2010-03-04T19:02:00.009+10:00

Met up with Jordi in Mid Valley yesterday! It has been such a long time.. almost half a year since the last farewell.. :)

Oh well.. we had a jolly good time eating the very-small-but-pricey sushi.. No time to do salmon sashimi or xiao long bao bao though.. :(

Meeting up with different ones from Brisbane.. is a bliss :)

*Kels' fav - lovely unagi sushi*

*our fav - soft shell crab - Brisbane ones are better :)*

*soft shell crab close up shot*

*Jordi & I :)*

what you think may not be what it appears to be

2010-02-20T14:29:00.004+10:00

I reread my blog entries and found something ironic..

I once mentioned that I want to come back to Malaysia because Australia is just a bitter place for me and that I thought I'm prepared to face all the challenges at home..

Well, I gotta admit, I was wrong..

Life has not be any better since coming back.. Having to deal with various unnecessary, avoidable, blunt, insolent arguments just turns me away from home..

Why marry someone that you hate? Why tolerate a daughter who has betrayed ur trust and allow her to humiliate you? Why turn away when people give you advise?

I'm really sick of everything in this place.. I need another few years, I need some support..

Catching up with friends

2010-02-20T00:04:00.002+10:00

After a year, I'm finally back in Malaysia to celebrate Chinese New Year with my friends and family.

I was quite excited and really looked forward to CNY gatherings and reunion with friends.. But I guess I will be let down, again.. Few friends promised to meet up but in the end they could not.. Left my contact with an old classmate when I saw her organising an event but.. no news since then.. though I saw some photos of some what of a reunion.. My best bro Brian On was in US having a whale of a time with his friends.. Other buddies --> Myrna in Indo and Jordi in Sandakan..

But Joyce did visit me yesterday with her mom.. Perhaps we have grown further from each other.. There are some things that she was just reluctant to share with me.. I did not share my life with her like how I used to anyway..

Being her best mate, I feel ashamed that I was not there with her when she needed me.. She seems so.. tough and strong but why do I have the feeling that she is wearing a mask?

She plans to take a year off from her architecture course and explore other opportunities in life.. Studies, relationship, life have sapped all the joy, liveliness from her face.. Joycee, I really wanna let you know that I love you and you will always be my best mate!!!! I will try to be there for you wherever and whenever I can!!

The older I get, the more I want to appreciate different ones in my life.. Feel like they would leave me anytime.. and I would not have the chance to let them know how much they mean to me..

Mean it when you say "friends forever"..

Happy Chinese New Year 2010!

2010-02-11T18:28:00.003+10:00

After spending a lonely Chinese New Year in Brisbane, I have learnt to appreciate Chinese New Year at home with my family. This year, when most of my friends were still in hostel waiting to go back, I was fortunate enough to have reached home and gorged myself on daddy's speciality, piggy leg stew..

I'm happy to be home, enjoying the air-conditioned room, using my super fast broadband.. :)

Although this year we will have less visitors, less cookies, less ang pows, I still look forward to Chinese New Year..

To wake up and find a big big ang pow nicely placed under the pillow, to dress in my best new dress and try on mommy's collection of jewellery. To put money into the ang pows and categorise them according to the amount inside.. :)

To eat heaps and heaps and heaps of nice food.. To enjoy all the Chinese classic action-movies that have been playing again and again each Chinese New Year..

To count my money at the end of the day and thinking what I want to do with the money..

Such lovely memories!! Gonna take some pictures this coming New Year and post here!

To all my Chinese friends, Happy Chinese New Year. May you prosper and be blessed with good health!!

A new year has arrived!

2010-01-26T19:49:00.003+10:00

25 days into January and I still want to write this post!

Gee.. felt like I have been through alot in these few weeks of 2010..

1) I came back to IPBA, once again after two years. It has become more dilapidated, filthy and we were given two-inches thick of dust and countless ants' nests as welcome gift. *thanks to my *kakak* Kellen, who faithfully scrubbed the windows and all the lizards' dropping until the sun light can finally shine through..*

2) The government has finally realised the value of excellent scholars as more than teachers in schools!!!! ATT: first class honours TESL students will be given the opportunities to become "young lecturers" in teacher training colleges!! *in other words, I need to toil and slave and whatever it takes to do well in this last semester!!* *and pray that our government has the finance to sustain this "young lecturers" programme*

3) Assignments start pouring in as usual.. and how I miss the Kiasu-geeks' battles for tutorial classes!! Malaysian government teaching colleges still practise the traditional I-paste-the-tutorial-class-paper-on-level-2-and-you-all-can-sign-up-later method of getting students to sign up for tutorials.. As a result, one of my friends forgot to sign up for one tutorial and he went unnoticed for weeks.. until he realised that he has to work in groups for assignments.. *kantoi!*

4) Back with Lucille and the gang.. No longer go to CF because.. CF is.. no longer happening since there's only two juniors and they are leaving soon.. Kinda sad.. and for some reasons, we just can't get along with the juniors like how we used to do with Nancie they all.. :(

5) I raid Mid Valley quite often.. and it does not excite me anymore.. things are getting really expensive and I just refuse to spend so much on some small little things..

6) One of my friends has clinical depression. I could relate to her situations when she told me her stories.. I remembered last year when I had difficulties trying to move on and let go.. It takes somebody who had depression to understand one.. Listening to her, I could see that she gets agitated even with the slightest thing and she could not understand why people are not seeing things from her perspectives.. I was like this last year.. I felt the world was against me and wondered if God loves me anymore.. But having this experience helps me to understand people with depression.. I have learnt to understand them even if they sound unreasonable and very childish, to accept them, to help them rebuild their confidence and to help them get out of the vicious cycle of self-condemning.

7) S is diagnosed with leukaemia and most likely she won't graduate with us. Justin left for Sabah yesterday and we had a great authentic Korean dinner with him. I regret not spending enough time knowing people and inviting them to be part of my life.. Goal this year: to appreciate my friends and to let them know that!! (^.^)

8) I will continue to love you because you are my friend! Even if one day things do not work out between us, I will still pray for your happiness with someone else. I love you enough to let you go for the best.

Ok.. gotta do assignment now! :)

5 in the morning

2010-01-01T15:10:00.002+10:00

Lately I have been waking up at 5 in the morning, awoken by the sound of the lock clanking against the door. First thought: burglar!!! Second thought: How come there is no longer any sound now that I am awake. The funny thing was: it is always the same sound, same time in the morning that wakes me up.

After coming back to Malaysia, I rarely wake up early. Thus far, the earliest morning I woke up to was 9 a.m. What an irony. Before this, I always woke up before 9, whether or not I have class in the morning. As if there is a biological alarm in me that wakes me up before 9 a.m. In Australia, I sleep at weird hours and waking up at 1, 2, 3 o’clock in the morning is never a problem for me. Assignment, phone calls and sometimes the desperation for fast internet connection are among the reasons for my activities in the wee hours of the morning.

The last week I was in Australia, at 5 a.m. the day was already brighten and reaching to scorching hot temperature. In contrast, 5 a.m. in Malaysia is the time when everyone is soundly asleep *except for kukutbi next door who usually asks for milk at this time of the morning* and there is hardly any sign of a city bustling with cars and people. Things are definitely different for Australia, especially at a location like my Red Hill apartment. At 4 a.m. on Tuesday, you can hear the rubbish truck collecting waste from house to house *then I would groan.. because I forgot to push the big waste bin to the road side again..*. At 5 a.m. you would hear heaps of cars honing and passing by, moving bumper to bumper at the traffic light; then I would know it is time to wake up, to freshen up myself and start doing my tutorial homework *on Mondays*. Ahh.. the life without restriction aka laziness.

Towards a certain extent, I miss life in Australia. The freedom, the mobility of going to anywhere, everywhere, the unhealthy lifestyle of not eating for days *due to my dad’s daily excessive spoon feeding, right now, I need food every 4 hours to sustain me for the day*, fast internet connection *life is appallingly miserable with pages that reluctantly loads only after clicking ‘refresh’ button for umpteen times* and friends in Australia *especially daniels*..

On a morning like this, I wake up and look around: different sets of furniture around me; and I thought about the sets of furniture, somewhere far away, which have accompanied me for the past two years. Such love for furniture? hehe, figurative language here!

My wandering thoughts

2009-12-27T17:46:00.003+10:00

Recent gossip has it that one of my seniors who is about to walk the aisle with her fiancé is now considering to call off the wedding. On the other hand, another senior of mine is engaged to her ex-bf. Yep, there is nothing wrong with your eyes, ex-bf turns fiancé. However, her blog entries kinda reveal the qualms in her wedding decision. After all, there must be a good reason why somebody becomes your ex right.

I’m currently at a stage where quite a number of my friends are considering marriage in two years time, engaged or married *never realized I have grown to that age*. Sometimes, I do wonder if I would ever get married after all. For me, I rather not marry than to marry for the sake of marriage, or worst, to please my parents. Having a rather unpleasant marriage incident at home further warns me to not make the wrong decision later in life.

Few months ago, I read this book entitled “A love that lasts”. I spent many months reading it, always having it with me when I travel to work. Many times I feel bad because I realise the consequences of my actions, how they have affected the people that love me. Sometimes I feel vindicated, especially when the co-author (author’s wife) shares about things from the female’s perspectives. At times, I feel confused. Judging from the state of my relationship, I should not be in a courtship at all. Once in a while I would feel so angry and tired of reading the book; too occupied thinking about all the wrong things he had done. After all, I am just a little girl who is trying to get your attention.

Anyway, I feel slightly relieved after reading the book, mainly because whatever conflicts that I had with my ex are nothing compared to what the author and his wife had been through. But the importance of having God in a relationship, in a family is what I learnt most from the book. It always takes God’s love to mend a broken heart, to give us the courage to face the person that had hurt us so much, to enable us to love without strings attached. I read testimonies of how God’s love changes the life of couples at the brink of divorce and restore the love that was lost.

Current situation at home is not good. Daddy and mommy always quarrel. And guess what, I'm on dad's side *it would be perfect if he would stop spending those hundreds on buying numbers*. It is not like I do not want to side my mom, but she is taking things really.. far.. I understand her love for all of us, especially her patience after how Kelvy condemns her, but I just hate how she verbally attacks me for no reason.

Sometimes, I wonder why I should be the "good" girl at home since no matter how damned you are, you will still inherit the family's properties, spends money like water, enjoy all the delicious food on the table. To top it up, you do not need to contribute anything because you are so damned that they do not expect anything from you.

If only God’s love permeates my family, perhaps daddy and mommy would have more peaceful days. Perhaps, things would be different at home. Perhaps, I would enjoy being home, more.

My friend once told me: Love is beyond the feeling of burning passion for somebody, beyond the romantic dinners and countless “I love you” in a day. Love is when everything fails, I would still be there for you.

Last day

2009-11-29T09:55:00.002+10:00

Tonight will be my last night in Red Hill, Brisbane. I'm having extreme mixed feelings here..

Am abit nervous: Heard about all the negative comments and issues about Malaysia.. gee.. what if.. I can't adapt to the new environment?

Am abit sad: I'm leaving and I have not heard his voice or any news from him.. other than "I'm tired after soaking in hot spring"

Am abit worried: Heaps of stuff and I don't know what to do with them. Leaving some at Xi's but man.. I hate to trouble people.. or turning people's house into garage.. and, God knows if I'm coming back again.. And luggage currently over limit.. *dead meat*

Am happy: I will see daddy again, little monster Hildi and Li Yang is learning how to walk now.. Seeing those faces of people I love.. Indulging in those food I love..

Getting a iMac for myself.. Gonna learn programming and designing.. through trial and error.. Schedule will be really packed when I go back to Malaysia..

Wondering how life would be, what does my future hold, who is my future partner *:P* and praying against any thoughts that discourage me from loving people, loving God.

Bye Brisbane, thank you for the lovely memories. Bye my dear friends, thank you for putting up with me, thanks for the cheer and love messages when I'm down, thanks for the guidance, thanks for pushing me to go further..

THANK YOU!!

QUT farewell

2009-11-05T05:36:00.002+10:00

I need to blog about this because it was something very special and very dear to my heart.

I attended the QUT cohort 4 farewell party on 4 Novemeber 2009. Little was expected from the farewell party as my mind was mostly occupied with everything about curriculum comparison. The only expectation I have of the farewell party was.. food.. Malaysian food for that matter.

I was not even bothered to dress up nicely *simply grabbing a top and pairing it with black pants*

But the event was one that I will remember for the rest of my life. There is no words that can express how I felt at that moment.

The acappella performed by various ones in cohort 4 and cohort 5 was simply.. awesome.. I have never really enjoyed any singing performance in my entire college or uni life so much.. I mean, they are really good stuff!!!

Bob Elliot did a speech and he even acknowledged the outstanding results of two students who did very well in the cohort. Knowing that I was one of them, my heart was fluttered with excitement.. It's not everyday that you can be acknowledge in public.. especially for outstanding results in a foreign country *proud*. Jo did a speech with poise, as Jo usually does. We watched some videos and the memories of all, together, sharing life in this foreign land, the love I receive and give.. My tears were streaming down the cheeks.. And I saw Jo too, wiping tears off her eyes..

Jan recited a poem she wrote for us. It was very Jan-like, with all the "out of the world" descriptions about us *we are her possums.. what a nickname rite*. Towards the end of the poem, her voice changed.. and she was struggling to finish the poem in sobs.. That moment, my tears went out of control.. Kak Fad and Nisah were frantically fanning me *I certainly do not know the relation between fanning and stopping someone from crying* before my tears came pouring down like rain.

How much can a lecturer love her students, of different race, different beliefs, different country and sometimes naughty enough to cause lotsa troubles for her.. The answer is, love is not measured by words or actions.. The depth can only be measured by time and heart.

I have never really shared a super close bond with these lecturers but the love and encouragement that I receive from them.. To offer me accommodation and encouragement when my household situation arises.. To tell me that I'm loved and capable when I did not do well.. To assure me that I have potential to go further when I could not see the path ahead of me.. Sometimes people love you but when you do something wrong, they withdraw the love.. But these lecturers, they have never withdrawn their love to care for us, guide us, despite how we disappoint them sometimes..

Jo & Jan, thank you for showing your parental love for me.. I can never repay this kindness but I will pass it on, to love my students in the future.

Because you are so much better!

2009-11-04T00:23:00.003+10:00

Yesterday I did not do well in the exam, last minute preparation and I did not give my full commitment to study for it. I felt awful the whole day. Some people might say "hey, you always get 6 and 7, it's alrite to get 5 actually" or "you are smart, perhaps you will get 6, don't have to worry!'. It's not like my aim to study is to collect good grades, there's more to it.

I know that the chance for me to get another scholarship to further my post grads in overseas would be.. as slim as.. lidi.. I'm saving every penny that I have earnt for future studies. But I do hope *very very very much* that I can get scholarship from other countries so that I won't have to fork out alot of money.. And the criteria to get scholarship requires me to obtain first class in my bachelor. Jo said I am.. like.. another 0.1 to getting the first class.. I really don't want to ruin everything..

I talked to Jo after the exam, feeling.. very down. Had a good chat about future and studies and she told me this, that really encouraged me "Do not let anyone tell you that you can't write well because you write beautifully and I certainly love reading your essays" she further added "Not many people in this programme can write like that but you are certainly one of those who can really go so much further in studies! You must do post grads!"

AWWWWW.. Isn't that sweet? It really lifted up my spirit.. *FYI: I love to be fed with praises and love and presents*

I will do post grads and I will remember the encouragement and wisdom you have imparted to me. Thank you Jo!

one month before Goodbye

2009-10-29T23:50:00.003+10:00

Last time I used to write "a month after reaching Brisbane" but today I will write "a month before leaving Brisbane". I have been waiting for this time. I anticipate, jot down in my diary, calendar, repeat it over and over on my MSN shoutout and now I'm going to post an entry about it!

I loved this place but it is time to go back. I have no desire to stay here, other than to do my postgraduate course. There is seriously no place like home. Despite all the challenges and family conflicts back in Malaysia, I still want to go home. Brisbane is like a place I take refuge in, until I have gathered enough strength to face challenges back at home.

I'm obviously more cheerful these few days. Assignments almost done, time drawing near. On 1 Dec, I will touch down in KLIA and Ben Ben will be there to fetch me and a new chapter of my life will begin! \(^.^)/

I want to thank everyone that has moulded, encouraged, spurred me to press forward with their kind words, encouragement or even selective watching. I have learnt alot and these memories will always be in my heart, for the rest of my life! Definitely!

All the best to my friends in Brissie. Goodbye.

A day like this

2009-10-27T13:03:00.003+10:00

4 am in the morning, I was comtemplating if I should visit him in hospital before he gets discharged. I was wondering if he is in pain, if he needs another pillow, if he needs any company. I checked all the bus time table to go to the hospital, 5.30am? 6am? There's a more convenient bus coming at 7am. But nah.. I will take the earlier ones and walk there. But my heart was really heavy, should I or should I not? I went to sleep anyway.

In my dream, I woke up late and did not manage to catch the bus. I got somebody to pick me up. But I was stopped halfway by a leader. She advised me not to visit him. "But after this I won't see him anymore!" "Kelsey, there are certain things that we need to follow in this group" "I never like those rules in the past and I still don't like them now!" The image became blurry and all I could remember was, I did not see him.

5.50am in the morning, I was suddenly awoken. I looked at the watch, it was already 5.52am and the bus will arrive in 5 minutes. I changed and put on my contact lens *the process was so smooth.. normally I take around 10 minutes to put them on*. By the time I got ready it was 6am. I tried my luck and ran to the bus stop. I was in time. The bus arrived and I got onto it.

I stopped at Normanby fiveways and walked 900m to the hospital. My heart was pounding. Have I not woken up by 5.50pm, I can never make it and probably I would cancel the trip altogether. As I was walking, my heart felt so heavy. I really want to give him a great big hug and tell him how much it hurts my heart to not be able to be there for him.

I arrived at the hospital at 6.20am. "what if the parents are there?" "probably I will just say Hi and pass him the fruits". I got into the lift and within seconds I was at forth floor. I walked into the ward and saw him, lying there, did not seem better than I last saw him. He turned and was glad to see me. "Did you get my message?" "No. Did you send me one?" MSG: bud *sent at 6.10am* I smiled. Time like this. I'm glad that I was there for you when you thought of me.

I'm more than happy to be there for you, anytime, anywhere.

I want a life

2009-10-24T17:39:00.004+10:00

I have been thinking.. really seriously about my future.. What will I do in the future, which path will I choose, how would I achieve them..

I want to complete my bachelor studies, serve the government long enough to pay my debt then further my studies in other countries.. Will get a scholarship and study until PhD *fingers crossed*. I will have a loving family and I want it to be a God loving family *that my household will choose to serve the Lord*. I wish to have a husband that is God-fearing and able to lead me in my walk with God *in case I emo, he is able to help me to walk right with God again*.

I want to pursue righteousness in my life. I do not want to go to sleep every night knowing that I have failed God. Though God is merciful, I should not take His grace for granted. I have failed so many times, again and again and again. Everytime I hate myself even more. This vicious cycle needs to stop, the history is repeating but I want to stop. God, give me the strength to stop everything.

I want a life, a God-led life.

Don't look back.

2009-10-19T23:20:00.005+10:00

I remember hearing this before: The only way to move forward is to not look back.

Don't look back at assignment that you did not do well but try your best in the next one.

Don't look back at what you did because your sins are forgiven.

Don't look back at what other people did because you ought to be forgiving.

Don't look back at where you were last time but try your best to be where God wants you to be in the future.

So many times I looked back, kept looking back, trying to revive that passion, that zeal, that sweet spirit. In the end, I was trapped in self-condemnation, knowing I can never revive that feeling anymore.

And this self-condemnation is dangerous, it makes you feel so worthless, it makes you think that other people do not love you, it makes you become resentful towards life.

I often see myself as the girl in the famous "everything - lifehouse" play where the hooded, faceless evil one with long hair *reminds me of eva.. :P* passes me a knife and asks me to slit through my wrist *don't worry guys, I'm not that.. emo..*. The vicious cycle, having different ones to trash my self-esteem and disappoint me, man.. life sucks..

HOWEVER, today I'm happy to find that I do not feel emo despite something happened in the afternoon. I went to bed and that seems like a clever way to calm myself. (^.^)

Well, that's a good start, ain't it?Now, I just need to work towards putting an end to this emoness. Think about Sydney, Melbourne & Korea trip!!

Anyway, I got a new hair cut. Usually I cut my hair when I was in the mood to break up with my then boyfriend.. Silly girl rite.. This time, I cut my hair because they are no longer soft and silky.. But I did cry later that night and got my heart broken because of somebody.. aiyyooo.. indeed memorable.. Anyway, lotsa people say I look great in this new short hair. (^.^)

Let me revive my 18 yr-old-look!

*Some people said that I look like a school girl in this hair style*

*I was quite loved by alot of people back in college - Hijrah & me*

*Brian & me - one of the very few friends from secondary school that I still love to this date*

Farewell

2009-10-09T10:13:00.004+10:00

We had a farewell party for Jordan last Wednesday. He is a very cute friend of mine, he is like.. a little brother that I never had. Sometimes there are just some people that you may not know for long but they just clicked with you almost instantly and a month of aquintance would feel like a year.

For me, it's always.. hard to say goodbye.. to a good friend. I remember how sad I was bidding Lucille, Felicia and NZ gang goodbye, when Ben Ben left Brissy and now, little Jordi..

I know I will see my beloved NZ gang soon and Ben Ben when I reach KL on 1 Dec but I wonder when I will meet this little brother again *Sandakan trip perhaps*.

Well, just a small but genuine dedication to little brother, Jordan Tsen.

I will always remember that
1) you look like a vietnamese *so dark!!*
2) you can moonwalk very well
3) you promised to invite me to your wedding
4) you always ask me not to be emo
5) you can eat A LOT of salmon sushi *try other sushi la*
6) you have lactose intolerance *cannot belanja you easy way in Msia, too bad..*
7) you cook the best imperial chicken *because I don't know who else can cook that*

and last but not least

you are like the little brother that I never had.

Bye bye Jordi!!

Continue to grow and seek God for the direction in your life. All de best!! When I meet you again in few years time, I hope to see a mature man in God yea!

- Kelsey Jie Jie - :P

"Burn"

2009-09-29T11:16:00.009+10:00

Daniels rocks!!!

I had a really refreshing experience in Hope Brisbane JG advance last weekend. The theme of the camp was "BURN" and they had this flame thingy logo to go with it.

We had quite an interesting trip to the camp. Missed the bus and had to wait for an hour *that explains how secluded the place is* and we found out that there's no buses operating on weekends!! *A: how do we go back ah..? B: nvm, stay here until mon then we go to Harbour town. A: not a bad idea.. =)* The camp site has an amusing name too: KINDILAN. Doesn't that just remind you of Kindergarten or land of the kindy kids?

The first night we had a presbytery session.. I'm not sure how it's written.. But it's a time when we pray and worship unto God and some bros and sisters came forth to share their visions and prophecy. One thing very amazingly new to me is the atmosphere of praise and worship with fellow JGs and leaders. When I was praying alongside these leaders, I could really feel the passion of the leaders and the presence of God among His faithful servants. Not to say God's presence was not there when we pray in lifegroup or with other members, bt the feeling that night was.. really beyond words can describe. That marked the beginning of an eye-opening experience for me.

On saturday morning, most of us woke up early to pray and intercede for the church and the leadership team. As we pray, I could really sense the importance of leaders abide by God's will and working in partnership with the Holy Spirit. Prayers are the essence in leading God's people.

T: how many times a leader may have failed but by God's grace and countless intercession by other individuals, the church and lifegroups are growing, more strongly than before.

After prayer, we had BREAKFAST!! Guess what we had...? *drum rolls* BACON with crunchy fats, TOAST, FRENCH TOAST, CARAMELISED BANANA SPLITS!! I have never had such scumptious breakfast in a camp before!! *pls stop drooling* *thanks to the food coordinator Dr Dexter!*

Then, we had Ps Wilson sharing about his church planting effort. From bus driver to church planter - do not underestimate your potential and God's calling. =)

T: never hesitate when God calls & always be prepared - learn and grow as if God is going to call you to plant a church tmr!

At night we had Ps Wenan to tell us about Christians being persecuted in all over the world yet chose to devote their life in serving God.

Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

Matthew 5:10-12

Sometimes I wonder if I would have the courage to serve God in a dire situation where the lives of my love ones are under threat. This is an area I need to grow in, to really love and serve God, faithfully and without fear.

The whole camp was simply awesome. It changed my perspectives on alot of things, renewed my passion to serve God and His people *including those unlovely ones* and simply just to come back to His love.

This is my first.. and my last.. Hope Brisbane JG advance for the time being.. :)

Group 4: Bul-ta-da (Korean word for "burn")

Daniel 1 timothy-s, JGs & leaders *with Kai missing*

Maturity

2009-09-16T07:54:00.002+10:00

September is half way through and I have not written any post. Been really jaded with the mundane tasks I have to go through everyday, hence breed laziness. I know I should not be thinking this way, let alone to let this feeling conquer me.

A few people have told me, get down to the root issue of your depression/emo/laziness and sort it out, then you will be set free. I could recognise the root issue of this problem but I could not run away from it. I keep coming back to it until I am disappointed with myself. Hun, you gotta stay away and stand firm on God's words!

I spent this morning reading a few people's blogs. I felt so encouraged by their sharing and testimonies. I used to think: How come these people always write about God and Christianity? Please lah, everyday ady church activities, give urself a break lah.. But when I come to think of it, people normally blog about what defines them or their life. God defines these people's life, hence they blog about God's love. And what defines mine..? *look shockingly at the lists of emo blogs over the past few months*

Why do I let depression and sadness define my life or allow the smokey cloud to cover my eyes from seeing God's promises and love?

Sometimes, I can be childish enough to vent my anger on people I love most or to judge every situation according to my own understanding. In the end, I hurt the people I love most and I hurt myself.

I found so many weaknesses in me yet I believe my weaknesses will be shaped by God's grace and power.

2 Cor 12:9
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

So, I'm gonna list down all my weaknesses *aduh, malunya..*

1) Self-centered *always me, myself and I*

2) Resentful *everything that is not according to my way is wrong and I hate you for telling me that I'm wrong!!*

3) Procrastine a tad too much *facebook here, facebook there..*

4) Weak willed *hate myself for sinning - sinned - hate myself for sinning - vicious cycle*

5) Overdramatic-unnecessary depression *XX did not talk to me today, she must think that I'm a bad friend, I'm so depressed.. I can't take this.. OMG.. falls to ground*

6) Rebellious *X: lets go to Sunshine Coast and fellowship with our bros and sisters. Kels: Nope, I'm busy, I need to go to Harbour Town to fill up my wardrobe collection.*

Please add on.. If you think there's something in my character that I need to change.. *be nice with your words please.. I have a.. fragile heart..*

HaPpY 21st BiRthDay, little girl.. =)

2009-08-18T09:16:00.003+10:00

Last week, I did an analysis on a children's book entitled "where's the gold". The author wrote something that caught my attention immediately - "Happiness is not wanting what you want, but wanting what you have got"

The phrase sorta speaks to me in a way.. I guess I still have this pampered little princess personality living in me.. I want things and I want them no matter what.. I want people to live up to my expectation.. To "read" my mind and know what I want without me having to tell them.. But I guess, I forgot the fact that I DO NOT READ MINDS.. and that I often do not live up to my love ones' expectations..

I'm one year older today.. Lotsa people wished me happy birthday.. =) people still love me very much.. Sometimes I wonder how come people do not throw me a suprise bday party or put in huge effort to make my bday memorable..

But, I guess just having the thought of login into facebook and clicking on my page and leaving a sweet birthday wish for me is also an effort, a blessing..

Thanks people for your wonderful sweet thoughts.. I really appreciate them.. and no words can describe how much I cherish you guys.. :)

This birthday will be a special one!!! because I'm blessed and I'm loved!!

遇见

2009-07-22T08:59:00.002+10:00

我遇见了失败，明白了真情
我遇见了成功，明白了努力
我遇见了艰辛，明白了坚持
我遇见了失望，明白了期望
我遇见了错失，明白了珍惜

我遇见了梦，明白了路途的遥远
我遇见了痛，明白了幸福的代价
我遇见了他，明白了自己的虚弱
我遇见了家，明白了温馨的滋味
我遇见了朋友，明白了拥抱的温度

我遇见了神，明白了我在世上的理由
我遇见了神，明白了宽恕的大爱
我遇见了神，明白了自己的价值
我遇见了神，明白了世上需要爱的人
我遇见了神，明白了生命的重要性
我遇见了神，明白了无条件爱的原理。

Breakdown

2009-06-27T06:49:00.002+10:00

I managed to catch the break of dawn today.. It gave me comfort, made me feel secured.. Darkness is over and light shall prevail..

Something interesting happened to me yesterday evening..

Ever since coming back from New Zealand, I did not feel at home at all.. Everything seems so unfamiliar to me, I do not know the arrangement of stuff and I could not remember what things are mine..

It is just this weird feeling that I have arrived in yet another holiday destination..

However, I just brushed the feeling aside and prepared for church conference with 'little' anticipation. I packed the souvenirs for friends, arrange all my note books, put on a nice simple make-up and headed out..

Reached church, joked with Andrew a bit.. Headed to the main hall for conference..

Everything seems fine until tears start streaming down my cheeks during prayer.. *goodness, we were just praying for different ministries serving that night*

Explanation for rebellious tears: 1) God touched my heart, or
2) Battling with evil spirit

I could not stand the crowd, I could not look into the eyes of my lifegroup friends.. I wanted an exit.. I was choked by my tears and I knew this is it, I WANT TO GET OUT NOW!!!

It's quite dramatic alrite.. I kept crying for another 10 minutes and all I could think of was Lucille, Shirley, Felicia, Ning and my parents.. I thought of love, warmth and care..

I left the conference and took a bus home, everything seems fine then. I stopped crying but there is this.. void in me that I could not explain.. I feel completely no emotion.. *part of me was thinking: Excuse me, did I just cry and walk out of the conference..???*

I gulp down a cup of semillon and went to sleep.. Late harvest semillon which was previously dry liquor with bitter taste now tasted like grape flavoured drink to me..

I slept through the night.

People may be disappointing but My First Love is not

2009-05-31T00:10:00.002+10:00

So many times in these two years I was disappointed with different individuals, even myself..

I was disappointed with big sis, who always blames others for her own mistakes and gladly passes all the consequences to my parents..

I was disappointed with my relatives, who are ungrateful enough to disregard all the effort and sacrifices my dad has done to raise them up..

I was disappointed with my second sis, who knows the problem and yet pokes her head into it. The worse part, she drags me into the problem as well..

I was disappointed with different individuals in church, who seemingly portray the "good boys and girls" appearance but their true self are ugly..

I was disappointed in friends that I confide my feelings, who pretended that they are the best of friends but went and spread my secrets the next immediate minute..

I was disappointed with myself, for tolerating sin, for falling into sins again and again.. For ignoring the words of God although I knew them perfectly..

God, I do need healing, desperately.. Heal my heart so that it can love again.. Guide me to become a woman after your heart.. Amen

I am my daddy's bao bei too!!

2009-05-21T07:51:00.002+10:00

"Bao bei" Lucille likes to use that word and I personally like that word very much. It just gives me the feeling that I'm precious, important and treasured by somebody.

Had a chat with a friend yesterday until I shed tears.. in public.. *malu~~* I have been thinking about certain issues in my life and reconsidering certain decisions that I will make. I think God really answered my prayers, to let me undergo this test and see if what I'm waiting and hoping for is truly what I want, truly worth the time. I hope I will have the courage and faith to keep going and not be affected by my emotional being. But I wonder if God is trying to tell me something and in the process of "keep going" I have ignored the cues.

Sometimes, I feel very blessed, very treasured. At times I feel like I'm alone in this. Maybe I have been everyone's bao bei all the time, I have all the love, care and attention all this while and when somebody does not show as much attention or love as I expect, I feel desolate. Maybe God is saying "now that you have known this person better, do you think this is what you want?" I hope I have an absolute answer to this.

My dear fire, are you still burning..? Or is your flame slowing fainting away.. because of the caressing wind?

I serve the Lord above, not the world

2009-05-15T08:59:00.004+10:00

"For it is by grace that you have been saved, through faith - and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast" Ephesians 2:8-9

Sometimes, we get too occupied with the thoughts of serving God's people and being a good Christian that we neglect the essence of being a true follower of God. We forget the part where we are saved not by our deeds, but by our faith in the Lord. Many a time I was reprimanded for standing firm on my ground, for taking action when things go out of the way. I'm honest to my feelings, I'm honest in my actions.

But I guess not everyone thinks that way. They think that I was being too emotional, I should have practiced more patience. The only difference between them and I was - I confront the problem while they prefer to talk behind the back and pretend to be good Godly Christians.

I do not mind if they want to strip me off my leadership opportunities.. I serve the Lord above and not the world. I can find other avenues to serve God in everything that I do in my life.

But God, correct me if I'm wrong. I'm willing to obey and change.

Sometimes, you just wish you did not do it..

2009-05-04T09:05:00.000+10:00

I got entangled in temper management issues lately.. I always find it hard to control my temper.. Compared to last year, I'm more temperamental this year.. From the trivial things to important things, everything gets on my nerves easily..

Sometimes, I said things I do not mean and hurt the people I love most.. I'm always quick to judge and never want to listen to what others want to say.. and after realising that I have wrongly accused him/her of something silly, I just feel ashamed of myself..

Sometimes, I get emotional too quickly.. Little things that people do *not greeting me and just crudely turn away after I look him in the eyes and say "hello"* can get me into a he-is-so-not-polite mood all day.. This makes me overlook whatever sweet and lovely things he did for everyone and forever label him as "the rude one".. Imagine, how disastrous it would be if I were to do that to my students next time.. They gonna hate learning and hate school because they have a silly teacher who is always on PMS.. *repent*

My love ones, I'm sorry
a) if I do not smile at you when you look at me *most likely I was too engrossed admiring the trees behind you, which I always do*,

b) if I quickly think that you are stupidly annoying when you meant good *I admit I'm the annoying one here*

c) if I do not let you explain and immediately sentence you to death *I will give you a save-yourself-from-hot-soup card next time*

I'm sorry that I always harbour bitterness.. Somebody once told me that I have the sweet spirit that he admires really much.. I feel ashamed everytime I think about the comment.. I need to work in partnership with the Holy Spirit to manage my temper!!!

God, save me from being too wicked towards your people.. Hold my tongue when I am about to say something nasty.. Amen.. *save me from the wicked assignments too*

Be YOURSELF

2009-04-26T10:59:00.001+10:00

I got lectured lately due to an "inappropriate" conduct. Well, people have their own definitions of decency and no doubt, I do respect their opinions. But, there is difference between selective watching and promoting appropriate public conduct.

I like Rick Warren's daily devotional which touches on this bit.

It says in John 5:30 "By myself I can do nothing; I judge only as I hear, and my judgment is just, for I seek not to please myself but him who sent me"

Sometimes, we try to be superman/superwoman and would do anything and everything to please our leaders. Even if it means doing something that you do not totally agree with.

Some leaders that I encounter are quick to speak, slow to listen, quick to judge and forever happy to poke their nose into people's life. From your circle of friends to your daily routine, you find their comments everywhere.

Not to say that it's not good to do so; after all, if one is always in the company of friends that bring bad influence, it's good to have someone that remind them and bring them to the right path.

But selective watching is something that I loathe. People like to see what they want to see, they concentrate and comment more on pretty girls, because.. PRETTY GIRLS = DANGER = TROUBLE.. You want my opinion? Please read more of God's words and concentrate on your personal walk with God before you start gossiping about your lovely sisters and make their life miserable.

I thank God for blessing me with beauty that I'm contented with. I thank all the people who have been talking behind me, spreading rumours, watchin and reporting me whenever I make a move. Well, at least now I understand the word "jealousy" in depth, and rejoice for I have survived thus far.

I seek to please the God in heaven, not the people in this world. Whatever that I do, I am answerable to God.

Retracing memories..

2009-03-13T04:50:00.000+10:00

I woke up at 3am today with the initial plan to do my science assignment, but as usual, I got distracted.. I was looking for the pictures of clouds and the next thing I know, I was looking at the K-pop website.

I browsed through the website, checking some juicy updates of my favourite stars. Soon, all the memories gushed into my mind. How I used to be addicted to watching Korean dramas, from morning to morning. How Lucille and I always went ga-ga when we saw Joo Ji Hoon on online news. The wallpaper of Lee Jun Ki, the poster of DBSK in IPBA!!!!!!!!! *YES!!!! DBSK actually came to our college for their advertisement photo shots!!!!!!!!*

The memories, that indescribable bliss.. It has been almost 1.5 yrs since we last sat together and drooled over some Korean pop stars.. I really thank God for this memorable time in my life.

I wonder if someone will ever touch my life so deeply in the future. I was not judged, not forsaked, not hurt as a friend. =) thanks Ah leong, Siong Ning, Shirley, Nigel and Mak Cik Izzati for being part of my life. I could not have understood the love of a friend without you guys.

Tangseenul-saranghamneeda. *muackz + hugz*

I do this for you Lord..

2009-03-01T21:04:00.000+10:00

I suddenly have the urge to update my blog.. I was deprived of internet for almost a month due to house moving matter. Hence, no new updates for the past few weeks.

But today is different, I want to write down what I felt today..

1) When you serve in a ministry, what is your main agenda?
- To serve God and His people. I need to constantly remind myself that I am not doing all the work to please others or myself. I am doing it for God. Even if others do not appreciate us for what we do, do not be discouraged, God has more rewarding blessings for us in heaven. (^.^)/ God knows my heart the best. What are worldly rewards compared to God's presence with me when I do His work?

*give myself a pat on the back* well done dear!! =)

2) What are your resolutions? How far have you done to fulfill them?
- hardly there.. My bad.. I have been wasting alot of time on unnecessary things like sufing the internet aimlessly *the aftermath of one-month internet deprivation*
- managed to strengthen my rapport with friends I want to reach out to (^.^)
- read God's words.. This will go down in my daily planner.. need to adhere to my August deadline!!!
- exercise : I walked to uni everyday!!! coolness.. expect to see a very tanned Kelsey Lee

3) What is love?
- Do not stubbornly love someone who does not cherish you. Sometimes when you thought someone loves you dearly because he or she said so, please slap your head and observe things for yourself. If he or she wants your company yet refuses to put in effort to sustain or do justice to the relationship, then FORGET ABOUT IT. He or she is not that into you after all.

*Slaps head.. (T.T)*

Three lessons in a day.. Not bad huh..

Anticipate eternal life, not things within your sight.

A moment like this

2009-01-31T18:36:00.000+10:00

I have been indulging in day dreaming lately. Every little things, every little movements I observe, I use my wildest imagination to capture the moment, just so I can retain the memory longer.

Just like watching the train passes by *when I don't plan to board any train*, looking at the light shinning through the lines of fence, breathing in the smell of fresh grass after a pouring rain, feeling the sweat dotting my forehead as I waited under the sun, enjoying the warmth of tight arms clasping me. These moments are rare and special.

These things make me think.. Think about how awesome my God is, how insignificant humans are compared to the nature and how I would treasure these things in my life.

Sometimes I got too caught up with different trivial things, letting my emotions take the better of me and simply rant when things do not go my way. But whenever I look at God's creation, I am reminded of His love, His greatness and how important it is for me to look at things through His eyes.

I always find peace when I read His words.. A peace that nothing can give me.. *not even my comfy pillow*

I am ready, to make a decision.. To face tomorrow.. I can let go, if You tell me so. I will overcome this phrase of life and draw near to Your side. I will, remember a moment like this, that You held me tight.

M.I.S.S.I.O.N

2009-01-17T22:29:00.000+10:00

I just came back from an amazing, purposeful, life-changing three days two nights mission trip to Ipswich. I could not wait to blog about this mission trip the moment I reached home and got hold of my laptop.

If you think that my mission trip involves staying in some dilapidated wooden houses or camping in some rural areas, then YOU ARE WRONG!!!! Instead, I stayed in a luxurious apartment, overlooking the whole town of Ipswich. The whole place was air-conditioned and we even had a plasma TV in our bedrooms *miss the place*.

Although this mission trip differs greatly from my perception of how a mission trip should be, it was meaningful and impactful no doubt! I learnt so many things from the Ipswich mission team and from my beloved Daniels *they are simply a bunch of amazing people!!!*.

What did I gain from the mission trip:
1) Obedience and love for God should always come first when we are making decisions. One of the sisters shared that we are not necessary required to love the people in order to do mission. Just a simple faith and obedience to God’s calling would suffice. God will place the burden in our hearts and put things in place when we respond to Him.

2) To grab hold of the chances to serve and not wait until God chooses someone else to do your work for Him. Just imagine the blessing from God that you would miss out when you refuse to avail yourself to do His work. It’s like your dad already has plans to give you 100 bucks to wash the car but you were too lazy to do so and therefore you missed the 100 bucks. Unwise, right..?

3) To fully prepare and equip ourselves with skills and knowledge so that when God calls, we would be ready to respond. Learn to obey and have faith in God when we are making even the simplest daily life decisions so as to cultivate a submissive and obedient heart that would do great things for God.

4) God will call anyone to do His work, no matter how insignificant we regard ourselves to be. Personally, I never regard myself as useless but neither did I regard myself as somebody that God would use to do mission. But after listening to the team’s sharing, I feel so encouraged to do mission one day. Hmm.. Maybe teaching in rural areas is not such a bad idea after all.

5) Preparation is a must for an organised dinner. Thank God I did not screw up the mission trip food team. Did everything at the very last minute but really really thank God and the wonderful people who helped me prepare the food. Good experience but will not be so last minute again!! I promise!!

6) Patience is a virtue. Maybe it was God’s plan to let me work with this sister again. I’m starting to know more about her personality and learning to tolerate when working with her. Well, it was a good start, I did not have any clashes with her during the whole trip. But still.. Be patient Kelsey Lee.. Don’t lose your temper..

Well, this is my first mission trip, a very meaningful jaunt to kick start my journey of more mission trips in the future. Hopefully I can make it for another mission trip with the Daniels before I leave. It definitely feels different when you are on mission trip with a group of people with burning passion for Christ! I love mission + Daniels!!

Hush baby, don't cry

2009-01-04T21:29:00.000+10:00

I cried just now. I could not control my tears. I felt the tears welling in my eyes during pre service prayer but I managed to hold back the tears anyway. Praise and worship was simply awesome, I felt encouraged and loved. The thought of crying no longer lingers in my head.

Unfortunately, emotions got the better of me when I was sharing my problem with a friend. I needed somebody who was able to share my feelings, to look at things from my side, to empathize with my situation. I wanted to talk to someone so badly.

I tried to look away, tried to put up a smile even when my heart was aching.

I was too deep in it that I could no longer pull myself up. This has never happened to me before, at least I never let it happened to me. Is it a mistake to love a person so truly?

I promise myself and I promise God, I will not shed anymore tears in this year.

Hush baby, do not cry. God loves you, papa and mommy love you – it is enough.

A New-year Blog

2009-01-03T00:37:00.000+10:00

It has been a while since I last updated my blog. The after effect of working 7.5 hours daily and the laid-back nature of Australian living always kill my enthusiasm to reflect and blog. However, sometimes I had too much to say until I did not know where to start *I guess those factors killed not only my enthusiasm, but part of my brain cells as well*

Time flies, year 2008 ended in just a blink of eye. I am going back to Malaysia THIS year. Going back to Malaysia used to be something I dreaded because Australia, in most ways, appears to be a better place to live in. I guess time changes my thought. Australia may be a better place compared to Malaysia, but my heart still lies with my home country *semangat patriotisme yang memang sah the result of BTN brainwashing camp*

I am a regular reader of Nicole Tan’s blog and her blog entry “recap of 2008” really opened my eyes. In a year, she organized campaign to raise funds, travelled the world and launched her own clothing line. However, amongst all her accomplishments, I was most inspired by her determination to be herself despite all the doubts and skepticism others have of her. *How many of us have had to change against our will just to please others..?* I won’t let others dictate my life, that’s for sure!

Anyway, a new-year blog is not complete without this cliché content:

What did I accomplish in year 2008?

1) I wanted to get at least a 7 each semester
- I did

2) I wanted to grow more in my walk with God
- I did *thank God*

3) I wanted to learn basketball
- I.. was.. well.. *a long long sigh*

4) I wanted to learn about Australian culture
- hmm.. I did join some festivals *riverfire* and experienced the culture *aborigines* *missed the lesbian/gay parade though..*

5) I wanted to know more friends
- I have heaps of friends *wink*

6) I wanted to learn piano *this has been on my I-want list for many years*
- almost there.. soon..

7) I wanted to read the whole bible within a year
- I will.. in the process now..

8) I vowed to minimize my spending
- well.. I did not spend my parents’ money.. so.. it’s still good right..?

9) I wanted to forget
- I almost did *I need God's grace and His healing*

10) I wanted to make a difference in people’s life
- I hope I did and I will continue to do so.. *with difference I mean betterment in people’s life*

There you go.. A new-year blog.. Thank God that I had a wonderful, fruitful and eye-opening year 2008.. I will remember this year well.. Thanks to all my friends and family who have walked with me and showered me with love.

Summer in Brissie updates..

2008-12-11T01:48:00.000+10:00

Almost a month since my last update.. Despite the long summer holidays, I still could not make time for my blog as often as I did when there were loads of assignments.. tsk tsk.. Holidays do not mean more time.. I guess..

It's 1.53am over at Brissie now.. And.. I happen to be awake.. *or rather, I woke up after sleepin for a few hours..* :D

Lotsa things have been happening these days.. A LOT.. Ups and downs.. Highs and lows.. They all got me into thinking.. About past, present, future.. Perhaps I should be less ambiguous in my writing, before everyone passes it as another confusing philosophical blog entry..

My highs were mainly my lows these days.. It's hurtful alrite.. The happier I felt, the more sorrow I would anticipate.. Hence, begin my 45 days of cultivating a new habit.. A habit that will enable me to put myself together..

Lotsa people want to give me advice.. Advice that they think would help.. Sometimes, I wonder if the advice would do good to me.. But, I do not want to disobey, only to realise that I have been wrong all this while.. Hence, I listen.. and think.. 45 days to think it through.. I'm pretty good at telling myself how to feel and what to feel.. I think I can tell myself to regulate my feelings and be less expressive perhaps.. Good thing I have heaps of work lining up in the next few weeks.. It should not be a problem..

The tears shed, the wounds accumulated, the feelings ignored.. It would be for something worthwhile.. I cherish you.. This will be the last time I'm saying so until the right time comes..

- End of a melancholy update.. Happy update follows -

Was reading Adnin's blog a while ago.. and saw this survey kinda blog entry.. *reminds me of my daily no-life surveys in friendster last yr.. :P* He tagged me.. and the question was

Say something about no. 6 (Kelsey Lee)

-Umm... my senior. Really nice lady. Falls sick really often (REMINDER: Post her the health charm as soon as i get the chance!). And yep, i dont really know her but seems like she's a really really nice lady to talk to. Kinda looking forward to meeting her in person XD

1) Nice lady..? You make me sound like the lady who came by to the candy shop to get some sweets for her little kids.. *the vivid image just popped into my mind..*

2) Falls sick.. blame the stupid-flying-all-over pollen that makes me sick and the unpredictable weather.. *gee.. I don't think the saying that girls are as unpredictable as the weather stands, at least not if you are referring to Aussie weather..*

Awwww.. when I read this.. I felt sweet.. *sniff sniff* How nice it is.. When somebody far away still remembers you, thinks that you are nice and that the person cherishes you.. Adnin a.k.a Dark Lord, let me give u a BIG TEDDY HUG.. :D

Yes.. No matter what happens, God and some sweet people will still remember me.. For the people who are thinking of me right now (at 2.37am Brissie time), thanks for saving a place for me in your mind..

To my family back in Malaysia - I'm constantly thinking and praying for you guys..

To my friends all over the world - I'm thinking about you too.. There will be times when I suddenly chuckle.. It's because I thought about you, and that brings a smile to my face..

It's always hard to say 'goodbye'

2008-11-17T18:34:00.000+10:00

To me, "Goodbye" does not evoke positive feelings.. Parting with family, friends, your love ones.. I always relate "goodbye" with sorrow and tears..

When I parted with my friends and family at the airport early this year, I felt heavy.. But after a while, I got used to it.. *sounds like I'm heartless..* But I do wish I could go back home, sleep on my super comfy bed that smells just like me, with my fluffy pillows and Mashimaro bolster around me.. And listening to the different voices at home gives me the peace.. I do not necessarily have to talk to them.. Knowing their presence around me is suffice..

Soon, some of the members in my lifegroup will be leaving.. to working groups.. to Daniel 3.. Some of whom I'm close to.. Together, we share the love for dancing, delicious food, travelling, jokes.. And they are leaving soon.. I will miss them.. for sure.. Miss offering to them the food that I had cooked *until they feel endangered if they were to reject my pleasant offer*.. But, I will soon get used to not having them around, won't I..?

In another year's time, I will be leaving Australia too.. for good.. How long? I do not know.. I might come back for my masters or PhD.. But, who knows.. I will miss the time I spent here.. I will miss my friends, I will miss Hope Brisbane *and the list goes on*..

Well.. I guess I should stop missing home and make the most out of my time in Brisbane.. At least, I know I will go home for sure in Nov 2009.. But I wonder if I would come back here again.. Aww.. I really do miss and love you all *I mean friends in Australia*..

Acquainted with little Darcy

2008-11-10T21:47:00.000+10:00

Everything seems to be lovely today.. I managed to buy the scarf that I have been wanting to get, time passes quite fast at work and most of all.. I was acquainted with little Darcy during work.

Today, I was working the after-school-hours shift in Anglican Church Grammar School. It was an all boys school *before this, I was wondering how come girls do not go for 'child care' as they grow up*.. All boys.. tough and taller than me.. *middle school only!!* Hence, I gave them the chance to learn to look after themselves. I just sat there and indulged in my own thoughts.

Then, this kid came along.. He was walking through the bushes and he sat in one corner.. *still in the bush* I was thinking - weird kid and his deviant behaviours..

Soon after, Kylie *my group leader* came along and said DARCY *the weird kid* was cranky at the moment and might do certain unpleasant things. Well, to be honest, I was more concerned with his name - Darcy. His parents must like Pride and Prejudice alot.. (^.^)

Well.. Darcy was cranky because he was rebuked due to something he said to other kids. My first impression of him - violent and agressive kid.. But as I began to observe him more attentively, I realised that this kid has great potential. He is really really good at climbing. He moved like a gymnast. I was so amazed. He has this mystery aura which I find similar to that of the charateristics of Darcy in P&P.

I hope I will have more chance to befriend little Darcy.. I'm attracted to kids who are outstanding and quiet.. Mr Darcy.. hmm.. :P

Cats & Dogs

2008-10-31T18:28:00.000+10:00

Yesterday we had our last episode of the Cats and Dogs seminar. I have learnt abundantly in this BGR talk. In fact, it came at the right time, when I needed some guidance on how to go about certain issues in my life.

First episode - Purity - sexual purity and the line of intimacy between boys and girls in courtship. Back in Malaysia, I have never been exposed to this topic in detailed. Neither did my parents teach me any of these knowledge *they just keep me away from all guys.. :p* For the conservative Asians, sex is a taboo. However, I think this knowledge is necessary. It serves as a reminder, so that we don’t cross the line and be guilt-ridden later. I particularly like this idea that we keep ourselves clean and on our wedding day, we can proudly tell our spouse that we have been saving our very best for them. It's sweet.. Don't you think so..? =)

Second episode – Preparing ourselves and setting a list of BGR criteria. This talk really spoke to my heart. Now, I know what to do and what to expect. There are so many things to consider before you go into a healthy relationship. And most importantly – waiting for the GREEN light from God. Psalm 37:4 - Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. *this verse appeared to me a tad too often and in most unexpected manner, so I think it deserves a mention here* Last but not least, I really like Han and Joy’s story. There were numerous times when I felt that they were saying what’s on my mind. Fingers-crossed!! Hope I will have a happy ending like theirs too.

Third episode – Setting boundaries and being accountable. This talk made me feel so ashamed and guilty of what I have done. Maybe to a certain extent, I did enjoy the attention that I get from other brothers. Like the little foxes which spoil the vines. I am so sorry.. I will make it right this time.. Bia-ne.. (T.T) I must really regulate my actions and speech. Guys here are not like Ning and Ong kecik, I must remember that! Last but not least, be accountable to your shepherd. My shepherd has always helped me to see things from different perspectives *sayang her so much!!* And.. now I have her to pray for me as well.. Lol.. feel so blessed. :D

In conclusion *I miss academic writing..*, this seminar is really meaningful. I wonder how I will relate to this topic next year.. Hmm.. Nonetheless, I will wait upon God and trust His plans. =)

Grasping freedom tight in my palms

2008-10-28T07:53:00.000+10:00

Woohoo.. I have been on holiday since last Tuesday.. *most of my friends started their hols yday or for some poor souls.. holiday starts after exams..* Since I have no more exams or assignments, I tend to ask my friends out pretty often *and got rejected really often too*. Hehe..

Not to sound cynical or anything, freedom and holiday are really enjoyable.. :P

So.. What have I been doing lately..?

For the past few weeks, I was swamped by countless assignments, all with more than 3000 word limit. I tried not to miss any lifegroup or church activities and what could I say.. God was really good to me during that time. Yep, seek first His kingdom and everything shall be given to you. I managed to finish my 5 lesson plans *4500++ words!!!* in just one night. But, it was really exacting *don't ever try this.. it's crazy..*.

After assignments, I changed my focus to organising birthday party for our October babies.. Have been neglecting this event during my assignment period.. Hence, another last minute of preparation.. But it turned out well.. Or at least I think so and some said so.. (^.^)/

So.. What am I going to do now?

I will finish off some pressie for friends, study bible, learn new cooking, work, look for accomodation, settle Kellen's letter of acceptance into QUT, settle my contact lense issue, bring my friends around.. *SO MANY VISITORS :S* Now I wish they love me less.. :P

Just one more year in Australia, I must grab the opportunity to grow, to learn and to experience. My summer holiday is going to be meaningful and fruitful!!! :D

Surreal

2008-10-09T09:31:00.000+10:00

I had a bad dream few hours ago. I was working on my never-ending assignment when I fell asleep *this happens all the time..* and had this surreal dream. It goes like this..

I was happily jogging with my friend one day when she decided to drive her car after the draining jog. For some reasons, I was not in the car. However, I was happy to follow her car and ran along *this is so not me.. I don’t like excessive exercise*. There was another friend in the car too. Well, he just suddenly popped up from no where. After running for quite some time, I lost track of them *obviously, car engine vs human stamina*. As I was wandering into this new environment, anxiety slowly built up on me. I was frantically looking for them, and the best part was, I left my mobile phone in the car. I only had some coins in my pocket and I immediately came up with a clever plan *find a public phone and call back*.

The next problem, the only mobile number I could remember was Ben’s. So, I was thinking of calling Ben with my insufficient amount of coins with the hope that he would help me contact the necessary people *police, my parents, my emergency contact person..*. It was then that I realized the need to remember more mobile numbers!!! *reflection can occur anytime, anywhere.. even in dreams..*

So, I was in this building and there was a door before me *so like the scene when someone is hypnotised*. I opened the door and found myself in another deserted building *great fear no 1* and to top it up, there were a few DARK construction workers who looked more like drug addicts *great fear no 2.. I had bad experience in this..*. At this moment, I was encountering the biggest combination of fears in my heart. I wonder if my friend would come back for me *fear of being alone and left behind*. I wondered if they care about my safety after all.

I ran past the construction workers without the courage to even lift up my eyes to see the path I was running into. Eventually, I came to this housing area. I was walking alone on the road *the place was a little too dead for a housing area*. As I continue my journey of searching for public phones, I came into this school where I met a few Asians. FYI, this dream’s setting is based in Australia. For some reason, those school girls were from Hong Kong and for some reason I could not converse fluently in Cantonese *another incorrect fact about me*.

I asked them where I was and the name of the school so that I could inform Ben and perhaps asked him to google my position. The girls were talking among themselves, ignoring me. They did not seem to notice my presence *my dislike of being treated as invisible*. So, there I was, engulfed with thoughts – thinking if my friends would come back for me, if I would ever get out of that place before the day turned dark, thinking who will lend me a hand and keep me safe.

Of love and man..

2008-09-27T06:15:00.000+10:00

This is one of the moments when I am alone in the middle of the night, not feeling sleepy *because I just woke up* and have nobody to chat with. Hmm.. Time for reflection!

Yesterday one of my brothers talked to me about BGR (boy-girl relationship) problems and wanted to know how I dealt with them *macha, you sorta asked the wrong person la..*. For those who did not know, I was in a downward spiral of BGR problems last semester. I was overwhelmed by the responses and critics from certain people. It actually took me a few months to seriously get over it.

Anyway, this macha *this word reminds me of Nigel..* asked me if I know of some guys who like me. Apparently, he was too straight-forward and I was tongue-tied for a moment *I did not expect him to know so much*.

In my opinion, as long as your actions driven by your liking for him/her do not conflict with the person’s best interest, I would say it is not a crime to like somebody. Humans are beings with emotions, it is inevitable for us to develop liking for certain things and person. However, it is the way we show our affection that makes a difference.

I used to get frustrated at how some guys can be so childish and make a big fuss when the girls they like hang out with other guys. I always held that perception until it was the time for me to be in their positions. I was jealous and disappointed but I chose to keep everything to myself *me hate confrontation!*. It was then that I finally was able to understand the feelings of liking a person wholeheartedly and what may result from this affection.

Sometimes, I blame myself for being too friendly and evoke the emotions of my male friends. I should have known that different people will interpret my actions and intentions differently. Now, seeing some brothers suffer because of what I have done really makes me feel guilty. I tried to make them “un – like” me but it was to no avail. What is done cannot be undone.

I notice that a dear brother of mine is slowly drawing himself away from me. I have no choice but to let him do so. Knowing a person you like liking someone else is certainly most agonising. Keeping a person beside you despite knowing you cannot provide what he requires is called cruelty. So, time to tarik balik all the emotions that have been poured out.

Anyway, back to the macha.. This macha was pretty impressed when I said I want to set my boundaries and not hang out too often with my male friends. He further made a comment that, in order to help me achieve my goal, he will not hang out with me in the future. He made me sound like some anti-socialising-with-guys freaks *aduhai..*

Anyway, I have learnt some precious lessons from these BGR problems. No matter how much you like someone, learn to let go as well *my melancholy nature sinks in*. God knows who is most suitable for you and He will bring you to that person no matter how impossible it may seem. *Amen!*

- I'm dancing for Him tonight -

2008-09-25T07:34:00.000+10:00

*Little daughters dancing for their Father*

The much anticipated Daniels worship night is finally here.. Just few hours more to go.. Being part of the dancing team really strengthen my faith in Him.. I learnt to rely on Him, to draw strength from Him when I feel weary.. When we dance, we reflect on His blessings in our life in order to portray the most genuine and real facial expressions.. Praising Him through our body language..

Well, it may sound easy, but for an amateur modern dance dancer like me, it is hard.. *hard but possible.. :)*

Why is it so hard to do modern dance..? Well, in Malay traditional dance, all you need is to be graceful and wear a shy smile *yes, coy smiles.. not happy teeth-showing smiles!!* on your face all the time. But for modern dance, you need to be expressive *like my onion head emoticons..* and firm in doing certain moves.

During practices, we recorded down the dance for reviewing and commenting purposes.. And everytime when I watch my moves, sad to say, I do not see the heart to praise Him.. I am dancing for the sake of dancing.. Or maybe, I am just not expressive enough.. It really bothers me.. I want to dance for Him.. I want to show that in my dance.. But, I just could not see it in my dance.. As the time is drawing near, I just wanna commit everything into the hands of God..

Dear Lord, move my limbs to bring Praise and Glory to your name.. Be with us when we dance.. We truly want to convey your love to the people through our dance.. Clear my mind and let me dance for You tonight.. Amen..

Kids, what did you learn in school..?

2008-09-08T13:14:00.000+10:00

Today is my last day in East Brisbane State School. I miss it so much.. I miss Jason and Emily. They have been such an encouragement for me to be an inspiring teacher.

But.. I will never sent my kids to schools here in Brisbane..

Why? Because I don't think the kids in school learn much at the end of the day.

For example, the teacher starts off the day by reading the class a story. The students are all busy.. Doing everything except listening.. and the teacher goes on and on.. without saying anything.. In Malaysia, you can expect a duster being thrown at you if the teacher caught you off task in class.. When it comes to homework time, nobody can follow the instructions, because they did not listen in the first place.. So, you can see all the students raising up their hands, asking the teacher to repeat her instructions again and again.. *sometimes, I feel the urge to .... them..* Well.. that was not really the main issue..

The worst part is.. most of the students HATE the teacher.. Back in Malaysia, even if you hate your teacher, you do not misbehave in class.. You either scratch their cars or throw stones when you pass by their houses.. Everything is done anonymously.. Here in Brisbane, IT'S DIFFERENT.. you have the freedom of voicing your opinions.. For example, a female student drew a big poster with the big caption 'DON'T TOUCH MY TABLE, ESPECIALLY MRS HOGARTH *the teacher*'.. I was so shocked.. and the piece of art is supposed to be handed up to Mrs Hogarth.. *GASP.. GRADE 4 KIDS!!! PUBLIC DISPLAY OF ANNOYANCE..* Not to mention all the highly sarcastic comments they hurl at the teacher.. I was.. speechless..

Ok.. that's all for disciplinary problems.. In terms of learning coverage, as a student teacher, I myself was confused about what the teacher is teaching. One group of students can be doing maths while some are obviously making crafts and the small group over at the back are happily honing their communication skills.. I am there.. standing.. trying to explain to some blur kids what they are supposed to do.. The best solution, I run back to my place and pretend to be doing my observation.. :S

All in all, it is a nice school.. Everyone is nice.. All the kids are.. very good at making me speechless..

Yes.. I LOVE MALAYSIAN CLASSROOM!!! I even prefer Chinese schools with all the massive work load and super high expectations to meet. I just can't stand going to school and not learning anything!! Thanks mom and dad for sending me to a Malaysian Chinese School..

Daddy, I'm in love.. and he looks just like you..

2008-09-04T10:04:00.000+10:00

I was browsing through online news today and this caption caught my sight almost instantly "Daddy, I'm in love.. and he looks just like you".. According to research done by scientists, people tend to choose partners that have almost similar features to that of their opposite-sex parent.

Interesting, ain't it..? I noticed that I tend to fall for guys who look like my bro, as in people would say "hey, both of you look alike..". Maybe this is where comes the Chinese saying - 夫妻相.. Nonetheless, meeting a guy who happens to look like your sibling does not suggest both of you will have a better chance of getting into relationship and that the love chemistry is there. Being a typical Chinese girl with all the Chinese features, I have up to a million of "siblings" that could be my potential partner.. So, hard decision I got to make here..

But, I'm happy.. Very happy in fact.. because my dad is very handsome *seriously.. He is really charming.. all my dad's friends told me so..* Haha.. So, now I just need to wait for my prince charming.. :D

I do hope the scientists will further their research on this interesting aspect of life and investigate if fathers' character and abilities are related to their daughters' choice of partner. Hehe.. that would be extremely good.. :D

*anyway, I don't think I have mentioned this, my daddy is a GREAT COOK, he LOVES ME very much, he is a GREAT PAINTER, he CAN SEW and he DOES ALL HOUSEHOLD CHORES!*

越人歌

2008-09-02T10:25:00.001+10:00

今夕何夕兮？搴洲中流，
今日何日兮？得与王子同舟。
蒙羞被好兮，不訾诟耻。
心几顽而不绝兮，得知王子。
山有木兮木有枝兮，心悦君兮君不知。

This poem is one of my favourites.. It tells of the persona's secret liking for the prince.. This poem was used in the movie "The Banquet" starring Zhang Ziyi and Daniel Wu.

Despite knowing the crown prince (Daniel Wu) loves nobody but the empress (Zhang Ziyi), Qing Nu (Zhou Xun) still waits patiently for him. It was really a tear jerking scene when Qing Nu took the poisoned wine and sang this song in remembrance of the prince.. *Lucille and I actually cried in the cinema.. awwwww..*

Should we wait patiently like Qing Nu, for a love that can never be reciprocated, or is it wiser to choose someone who loves you..?

She will be loved

2008-08-28T11:18:00.000+10:00

I see the pain in her heart. She must be tired. She needs love and care. She needs a shelter from the ferocious rains and storms. She needs a place to call home. She used to have everything, the love and care which she misunderstood for rules and restriction of freedom. “I will live my own life and I will leave this place!” She rebels and causes great grief in the hearts of those who love her. It is a hard period of time. A hope shattered, a piece of flesh cut out, a dream unfulfilled, a beloved daughter lost.

I see the pain in his heart. He loves her too much and this inflicts immense pain in himself. He contemplates day and night. What could have gone wrong when he has showered all his love and poured out all his strength to mould her? He is strong willed and yet, she is able to make him weep. Words are like merciless sword, slashing against the already weaken heart, making it bleed even more. He loves her but she refuses to listen. This is the last straw, she is sent away as she has wished. Nobody dares to speak of her name anymore, for the name alone is frowned upon.

I see the pain growing in her heart. She is too young to understand. She always thinks she has the happiest, most perfect family compared to her friends. She knows something is wrong now. She hates fairy tales, she hates anything that gives her hope and then takes the hope away. She is wounded. But she must be strong for him. His happiness depends on her now. She hates her. She hates people that hurt him. However, deep down in her heart, she hopes the happiness can be restored. She prays for miracle, and God allows miracle. Now she needs to bring them together. An unconditioned love she is willing to give. She wants to be the pillar and refuge of the people she loves. Now, she humbly asks for another miracle, the miracle of a fairy tale, that everyone lives happily ever after.

Will you allow this miracle..?

Paper cranes can't fly..

2008-08-24T21:45:00.000+10:00

I tell myself, paper cranes don't fly,

I tell myself, fairy tales are lies,

What's good having chocolate cakes with cream,

If it only happens in dreams?

To Gideon, with love

2008-08-21T07:26:00.000+10:00

I had a bad day yesterday. I missed my train though I was early *too engrossed in reading*, lost my new ‘go’ card with $40 in it and worst of all, I lost a friend to a hit-and-run car accident. I was immediately saddened by the news. When Lucille broke the news to me, she too was disheartened by what had happened. Both of us knew Gideon together and his death had left a void in our life.

Though I may not know Gideon for long, the time we shared in CG and the memorable trip to Sunway Pyramid are always on my mind. He made the effort to foster this friendship and he had been a really encouraging brother. He never failed to encourage me whenever he saw my emo shoutouts on friendster. Though I thought of thanking him for his motivating messages, I never really did so. I feel really sad because the last thing he said to me was “Happy Birthday” few days ago and I did not get to thank him now that he is gone. I saw his shoutout on friendster, that he felt distance from God. I thought of sending him a message, but I learnt of this tragic news instead. I just could not take this news. He was a bright student, caring, loving, God fearing, generous, kind-hearted, encouraging and a bright future awaits him. Everything was shattered in a blink of an eye. I hope he found peace in God, as our Father keeps our bro close to his side.

How many times have you wished you have said something nice to a person so that they know how you felt? How many times do you really appreciate a person immediately and not let time silently sweep the thoughts away? I do regret.. Don’t hesitate when you want to praise or appreciate a person. Let them know that they are a blessing in your life and that you treasure them.

Dear Gideon, I pray that you find eternal life with God and rest in peace. As long as we still remember you, you always live in our hearts.

My 20th BiRtHdAY

2008-08-20T06:35:00.000+10:00

Finally, my age now starts with a “2” in front. How time flies. I could still remember how I used to anticipate my sweet 16, 18th Birthday.. and now 20th Birthday. I really don’t want my 21st birthday to arrive so soon. I want to be young and free from all the responsibilities I am shouldering now..

I couldn’t remember how I celebrated my sweet 16 and 18th birthday but my 20th birthday was a sweet, awesome, meaningful, happening and memorable one. My birthday celebration actually started since Saturday (16-8-2008) and it continued until yesterday. Nilla and Gin planned a surprise birthday party for Will and I on Saturday. However, Ray spilled the bean and our surprise party was made known to us. Hehe.. I don’t really mind, as I think it’s their sweet thought that matters.

I had a marvelous time on Saturday. Seeing all the people make the effort to join the party and giving me their most genuine birthday wishes, I could only say that I’m truly blessed. It has been a long time since I last received so many presents *I have 2 bags full of presents.. :D*. These people are simply wonderful.. I really love them.. *aww..*

Basically, I had 三天三夜 (three days and three nights..) of birthday celebration - one on Saturday, one on my actual birthday (Monday) and another surprise party yesterday. I spent my actual birthday on Monday with a bunch of my close friends *yea.. you have a special place in my heart, so you were invited..*. I’m not sure if that party is significant to them but it really means a lot to me. Spending my 20th birthday in overseas without my family is like feeling you have missed something important when everything seems fine. Though I still feel a little home-sick, I feel really blessed and loved being around my friends who showered me with a love I could never comprehend *I feel a bit Shakespeare-ish after writing that.. hehe*. Some say I am the most popular birthday girl in Daniels, judging from the effort people put in to organise my birthday bash and the countless birthday presents I received. I just want to thank God for placing such loving friends around me and a big THANK YOU to all of you for your blessings.. :D

On top of that, I finally had my “surprise” birthday party yesterday with my Cohort 4 friends. I was indeed surprised *Hezrin jumping up suddenly when I was going up the stairs..*. So sweet of them.. Well, what more could I say.. I really appreciate and treasure whatever you guys have done for me.. *Tangseenul saranghamneeda..* No matter what kinds of gifts you have given to me, big or small, exclusive or normal, I see the hearts and your sincerity. I just want to say a big thank you to all of you.. I really enjoyed my birthday with you all..

School visit to East Brisbane State School

2008-08-11T23:58:00.000+10:00

On Mondays for the next few weeks, I will be going for my school visits in East Brisbane State School.

I had my first school visit yesterday. It brings back the memory of my School Based Experience in Bangsar Primary School last year, around August as well. However, school visit in Brisbane is a totally different experience.. I woke up at 6am, fought the cold weather and tiptoed my way to the toilet *I hate cold mornings and freezing toilet tiles..* In a state of blurness I put on my most "teacher-ish" attire and prepared breakfast *didn't have dinner on Sunday, almost pengsan.. :S*.

We reached the school slightly earlier than expected and managed to chit chat before the class starts. The school was lovely. I really like a little touch of the English architecture in buildings. I can't really explain it.. It's the feeling inside me, I just can't get enough of ancient artifacts *one of the reasons why I want to visit castles in Europe! :D*

Despite the sun shinning brightly the whole morning, it was freezing cold inside the school.. As if the school was sheltered from the warmth of the sun by a gigantic transparent glass. I was shivering in the class and could hardly hold my pen properly.. Back in Malaysia, I always tried to be under the fan during SBE, so as to avoid excessive perspiration.. hehe..

There are students from different cultural backgrounds in the classroom I was placed in *yea.. Miss Lee in da house!!!*.. There were these two Taiwanese students who immediately caught my sight when they stepped into the class *wink*. Say that I'm bias or what, I'm always attracted to Asian faces.. I was asked to help the two kids with spelling and pronunciation.. *I jumped at that opportunity at once!!* I always believe first language can assist in the understanding of a foreign language. Hence, I explained some difficult English terms to them in Mandarin *gosh, how I miss conversing in Mandarin..*.. They were so amazed that I could speak Mandarin.. *should see how their jaw dropped open and look at each other wide-eyed..* :D i feel proud of my heritaga.. Proud to be a Chinese.. :D

Since I have tutorials in the afternoon, I did not stay on until the school dismissed.. We managed to have a chat with the principal before coming back.. She was really sweet and extended a warm welcome to us.. She even had a big sign to welcome us.. Awwww.. Sweetness.. :D I love schools in Brisbane..

Can’t wait for another school visit!!

I wish I knew what I want

2008-08-09T19:23:00.000+10:00

People who are close to me know that I hate confrontations, to the extent that I would rather suffer in silent than to voice out. I never realized I have developed this personality until people pointed out to me.

Be it something that I want or something I dislike, I seldom say it out to get it or to stop it. All the time my friends will encourage, urge me to speak up, if not saying it on behalf of me.

Sometimes I let this personality take the best of me and I see things I like slip through my palms when I could have easily caught hold of it. Sometimes, I endure the pain and unpleasant surroundings when I could have confronted the people and make things easy for myself.

I do not want to offend. This is the excuse I always use. Trying to smile when you feel like throwing tantrums is a skill. I have honed my skill in that area to the point where I do not know if I am seriously fine or that I am putting up a front.

My friend used to say that I have the most complicated and unpredictable mind. I wonder if this is a good thing. It’s good when I’m not the stereotype girl who u can easily categorise, not good when people keep doing things that annoy me, thinking I’m perfectly okay with it. Well, those things just annoy me, not to the extent where my life or well being is extremely affected. Hence, I can still put up with them.

Seeing good things slip away. This is the hardest part yet I am practicing to let go. I believe life is a bed of roses with thorns underneath all the beautiful cover up. Even the good food will betray you eventually by making you fat and shorten your life span.

Sometimes I let go because it is a better option to do so, sometimes I just want to see how much pain my heart can endure. Anyway, the pain will go away eventually. Time will heal everything. Distance is nothing but measured land, I wish you would understand *hey, it rhymes.. :D*.

Kelsey is neat.. claps

2008-08-05T20:46:00.000+10:00

During the Malaysian dinner, all my visitors caught a glimpse of my not-so-tidy room *well, you can't expect much from a room which accommodates 3 girls and their plentiful chunks of belongings..*

I felt so malu.. Having to let others see my room in such a condition.. But then.. I have tidied up the room ever since I got time *which was few weeks after the Malaysian dinner*..

Before

After

I'm pretty good at cleaning huh.. Lol..

Now.. the hardest part.. to maintain the cleanliness of my room..

Totally burned-out suffocating

2008-08-04T16:00:00.000+10:00

Last week marked the peak of my busy life in Brisbane. I had events and outings everyday. *YES, EVERYDAY* Outings is fun, but it really saps my energy.

Breakdown of week 2

Mon – Class from 8am - 3pm, Dinner with CCM friends
Tues – Uni-T lunch, Class, Isaac’s birthday party, P&W practice
Wed – Work, Dinner with friends
Thurs – Cooked for LG, Settle stuff in city, LG
Fri – Class, Lunch with the girls, Groceries shopping, Shepherding, Window shopping
Sat - Groceries shopping, Picnic at Roma Parkland, Dinner in city, Gathering at CLV
Sun - Yum cha in Sunnybank, Church, Ting’s birthday party, Laundry, Study

It’s amazing how I survived last week. However, I will never do it again. I really want to catch up with lectures and spend more time on my bible study. I have made a promise with Allan, I must keep it!! 29 July 2009, I really want to see myself becoming a woman after God’s heart. How time flies, in no time, I will go back to Malaysia. Just as much as I want to leave, I wish to stay.

I miss daddy, miss his cooking. I have not been talking to him. I wonder how is daddy doing, whether Winson is giving him a hard time, whether daddy misses his little girl. I miss rolling on Kellen and all the baby-babbling with Kelvin. I miss you, tremendously. For I know that you all love me the most after God.

Whatever that happened lately made my heart ache. I wish I could be stronger and draw strength from God to overcome hurdles in life. I need to do something with my recurrent emoness and excessive eating. Looking into the mirror today, I noticed that I have gained so much weight until my face is no longer long.. IT’S SO ROUND, LIKE ROTI CANAI!!! *oh horror!!!* Besides, I guess I have established a “Kelsey-can-eat-ALOT” reputation since I was caught eating *non-stop* by Sisi during Unit Advance camp. The yum cha session in Sunnybank did me no good either. Alex and Anthony shoved lotsa food to me.. and.. I finished them *this is the worst part, I don’t feel full after taking in so much food*. I need my slim body back! I don’t want to be piggy!! No!!!

Gotta set a priority list for myself.
1) Isaiah 1-46 this week
2) Daily devotion
3) Assignment
4) Revision

Yes!! I can do it with the help from God!!! Woo hoo~~~~

Of Hanbok and Me

2008-07-31T08:42:00.000+10:00

Another freezing cold morning for me; another immense pain and dizziness; another excuse to not go to work; another few hours to practise my singing.. Lol.. another blog to kickstart my Thursday morning. Woo hoo~~ this time I’m going to blog about something special - the fashion world in its zenith – the creation of Hanbok.

According to the Korean embassy (2008) *yea, no wiki.. I really did my research based on reliable sources*, Hanbok is a traditional apparel worn by Koreans. During the three Kingdom period *三国演义..? :S*, hanbok was a unisex attire worn even by the hunters *yea, men dressed in dress to hunt animals. Unbelievable? Believe it!*. Well.. I reckon the description of Hanbok by the Korean embassy will be too confusing to be comprehended, thus I provide my own definition of Hanbok: a fancy dress with a cardigan. A piece of genuine Jed of astronomical value will further enhance the beauty of the dress *and your social status..*.

Hanbok has gained its’ recognition in the world today thanks to the teary Korean drama “Goong”. I would say that the series are worth watching if you want to have a glimpse of the Korean tradition. Prince charming (Shin Goon!!) and his bride and his rival and the whole kingdom bounded by tradition and ancient rules and an unfavourable past. In the series, Hanbok was given a modern touch in both designs and ways of wearing.

Amazing, ain’t it? After seeing my church leader Christine wore the Korean Hanbok for multicultural Sunday, I could not help but fell more deeply in love with Hanbok.

My ideal wedding, a Korean-tradition-inspired ceremony, where I can wear Hanbok!! And my fiancé must buy me a Hanbok as wedding gift.

Of coz, anyone who wants to buy Hanbok for me as birthday present is also welcomed. *hint hint to Daniel.. Hanbok for me when you go Korea please..* :D

For more information on Hanbok, just google it. I hope you will fell in love with it as much as I do.

FYI, all the photos are taken from lotsa ppl.. I can't rmb who because I saved the pictures long time ago.. So.. thanks heaps, ppl..

Emo therapy.. :D

2008-07-17T10:45:00.000+10:00

I guess I’m an uncontrollable cry baby. I always cry at the smallest, negligible matters where people would just shrug at the problem instead of crying. I knew perfectly the reason why I cry – love makes you vulnerable to that person. Well, now that it’s over *I don’t think it has started in the first place anyway..* I should pray about it again. *I guess it’s over..* I like to make assumptions, to please or to hurt myself *my nature.. hard to change..*

Anyway, I had Karson as my emo therapist this time. Finally found a replace for ah Ning’s position as my mentor *I actually thought of flying to Sydney to see ah Ning and cry to him.. But then the air ticket is too expensive..* Lucille is simply irreplaceable, so, I have to keep things to myself first and wait for our reunion next year.

Here it goes, the breakdown of my emo therapy session..
It was raining heavily yesterday morning *the weather is not helping to lift up my mood..*. We could not do much except wondering around the city. The sky was drizzling and I was still half sick *my therapist had clearly forgotten about my health condition*. Got ourselves white hot chocolate *not so yummy anymore.. sad.. * and went to WAH for lunch. *tips of the day: when you are emo, do whatever you like that can brighten up your day – with the condition you must consider the consequences of your actions* I thought of having a “outrageous” shopping spree, but nah.. I was stopped by the consequences I will need to bear. Korean food and dumplings made my mood turned from gloomy to sunny. The rain also stopped when we walked out to the streets. Off to movie!!!

We went to Southbank cinema hoping we can get the cheap tickets. No luck, all sold out. No choice, to Myer Centre we went. Movie review: Pretty cool, however, a tad too long *maybe because I felt sleepy even before the movie started..* Anyway, it distracted my attention from unhappy things. Hence, the movie successfully fulfilled the criteria as an emo therapy method. Thanks to Karson for all this while, for listening to my rants and problems. Thanks for praying for me too. Ah Leong sek sai lei!!!

As I am writing this, the morning sun is penetrating through my window, shining upon my face *gasp.. I didn't apply sunblock!!*. There is no cloud to shade away the sun rays. This is a new day, a new start. I should start to obey God’s words again, to set everything aside and focus on Him. Quoting from a bible verse which Audrey likes to use, "seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and everything shall be added unto you as well." (Matthew 6:33) Yes daddy.. I will obey and follow your will. I know you have the best plan for me. Sorry I have wondered away these few days.. Now, I have come back to you..

ENOUGH!

2008-07-16T01:09:00.000+10:00

Numerous things happened lately. I was not okay emotionally. I had mood swing almost everyday. I can be really happy in the morning and really down at night. Everything just doesn’t seem right. I was asked to be the food coordinator for my lifegroup camp to replace Ruth who had to go back to Malaysia. I was willing to accept the position as I thought I could at least contribute something. However, I felt my existence was pretty unnecessary, if not useless.

It was not my choice to buy what food, the quantity of the food and I was not even needed for the shopping. She was doing all the arrangement and she ignored whatever I said. I was cool with that. Less job, less stress. I asked for somebody to pick me up since I was buying some goods *we agreed on that!!! But I guess she forgot* and she said I should not simply do things without consulting her *now this is not ok..* During food shopping, everything was her say. Ok, fine. She asked me to go lunch and need not follow her for fruits shopping. Ok fine. *wait a minute, what was I again.. food coordinator by the name..*

During the camp, I had a great time working with all the people in kitchen. As a food coordinator, I did not have to stay on for every cooking. The main reason I did that, I wanted to assist the cooking team. Second reason, I did not want to spend time in the main hall where I would feel so awkward not knowing what to do and what to say. Everything went well and everyone praised me for what I did *I praised Lord that everything was well and I kept the entire burden in my heart*. I was unhappy but I did not want to voice out *that’s her nature, they say..*.

Yesterday I was invited to a surprise birthday celebration. Initially I did not want to join, but I relented thinking I need to stop my emoness and join the party. Little did I know that she was unhappy, saying that I was not part of their “group”. Wow.. I was amazed.. Ok fine.. But I can’t stand it any longer. I wish I could leave the party ASAP. There’s just too much for me to take. You know what, what ever we do reflect how Christians are like. Don’t you ever say you love God when you can’t even love His people. You don’t know how many people you have hurt! I never know this family can be so hurtful!

A trip to remember - Sun rise in Byron Bay

2008-07-08T13:50:00.000+10:00

Woohoo~~ I went to Bryon Bay on 1 July 2008 with the Daniels.. At 2.30am.. A memory I will always keep in my heart for the rest of my life. My first sun rise with a group of wonderful brothers and sisters, ah leong and son. (^.^)/ It was a rainy and cold morning when we embarked on this journey of watching the first light of the day. Along the way, we could see nothing ahead but a thick layer of mist *Bravo to all the drivers, who drove us safely to Byron Bay despite the long and tiresome journey!*

As Karson and Francis were busy following Andrew’s car, I was happily watching the stars at night. Ohh.. Did I mention that the sky in Brisbane is so different than that of Malaysia’s? You can actually see the stars at night in Brisbane.. *it’s so starry that you can actually fall asleep counting them!!* All this while, I thought starry sky is only a fantasy, just another phenomenon you can only watch using some high-tech telescope. How I wish I can just lie down on the grassy field and watch the starry sky at night *influence of TV series..*. I really felt at home, so peaceful and tranquil.

Due to some delay during departure, we reached Byron Bay slightly later than what we actually planned. Fortunately, we still managed to catch the first light that shined through the crack of dawn. The magnificent view was simply breath-taking. Everything, from the rock to the lighthouse, was just picturesque. Beautiful scenery with great company, I love Brisbane even more. Standing on the most east point of Brisbane, overlooking the boundless sea *with some cute whales and dolphins emerging from water every now and then*, I felt as if I was in some Bollywood movies where the main characters would dance on some rocky mountain or run on a sandy beach, proclaiming their love for each other *I totally ruined the feel, I know.. But it’s funny.. haha..*

Anyway, after that we headed off to a place.. where it has water fall.. *I was sleeping throughout the whole journey, hence the blurness..* I took off my slippers and dipped my feet into the water.. Coldness.. The cold water just pierced through my skin like thousands of needles.. *figuratively..* Seeing me sitting near the water, some came to give me a push.. *siallah.. want me to fell into water!!* The first time I visited a water fall was during PBSM camp in Seremban.. Hmm.. Nice memory too.. I guess.. *cant remember the details though..*

All in all.. it was a great trip.. a really good one.. I’m starting to miss Brisbane.. It’s a good thing I came to Brissy.. Thank God for placing me here.. I should not doubt the things You have in store for me..

Busy life breeds procrastination..

2008-07-01T00:24:00.000+10:00

If procrastination is a subject, I would have scored As for it *sounds familiar, I think I heard it from someone..* Anyway, I have been procrastinating. House is in a mess ever since the Malaysian dinner, my room even messier. Shopping bags and clothes all over the floor *Sasa is so going to faint when she sees this..*. Yes.. will clean.. soon.. when I am no longer busy.. which is.. don’t know when..

Yup. I have been really busy for the past two weeks. Audrey and Lucille came to Brisbane to visit me.. *Audrey went to Melbourne last Thurs while Lucille is sleeping soundly on my bed now* yup.. Audrey’s visit was a surprised *I didn’t know she is coming until two days before she came.. really surprised..* When Lucille came, I was not there to fetch her from airport.. *thanks to Aud, son and Andrew for fetching Lucille*! Gee.. when I opened the door and saw her standing there, I could no longer hold back my tears. How I miss her!! Gee.. I don’t think I will cry for other friends *how can you not feel touched when somebody actually flew all the way from overseas just to visit you*. Thank you ah leong for being here with me.. Luv ya heaps!!!

Suppose to blog about what I did for the past two weeks when my friends were here. But then.. I kinda forgot what we did.. hmm.. We went to Southbank *a few times.. BIG DISCOVERY: the big birds which look very much like cranes actually sit on the trees in Southbank at night.. Aiks!!* and Gold Coast *I had enough of GC.. pls.. no more.. it’s just fine sand and crystal blue water.. nothing much..* In another few hours time, Lucille and I will head to Byron Bay to watch sun rise *I love sunrise.. :D* As you can see, I’m really busy. Not to mention dance practices and endless fruitless meetings for NCG.. Danced too much these days until my knees have bruises *one thing about Bali dance, you have to kneel so often that it’s impossible not to get bruises..* But then, I love the dance.. :D it’s so elegant and there is a story behind the dance - The story of Puteri Gunung Ledang and Sultan Melaka and Hang Tuah. Gee.. too bad I can’t invite people to watch the dance.. They can only visit me during my dance rehearsal. Haih..

Despite my busy life, I still manage to find time for my daily emo session. Aih.. been thinking lately *that doesn’t mean I don’t think previously.. just that I cracked my head thinking nowadays..* Then I would emo and not eat.. Or say and do stupid things that I don’t really mean to. Gee.. If there is ever a award for the most emo Queen, the trophy should go to me.. yea.. I nominate myself!! But then again.. emoness can have a positive outcome too.. it reminds me every now and then that life is only worth living when it challenges you to go the extra mile or brings you on an exciting journey filled with uncertainties *I’m not sure how "exciting" can go together with "uncertainties".. But then.. don’t care la.. blog doesn’t really have to make sense all the time*

Yea.. I want to renew my promise to God - I will wait for his plans. I will not worry anymore.. Yup.. I surrender all my burden to you Lord.. gee.. ok.. feel at peace dy.. can sleep ady..

For Ben..

2008-06-17T18:05:00.000+10:00

I just read Lucille’s mail about a hyperactive Kiwi-Korean kid named Ben. She met Ben in Rockets, the children ministry in Arise church, Wellington. Apparently, the kid always disrupts the bible story sessions by saying and doing.. I would say.. sweet.. things *same like Lucille, I support Ben*

For example, when the LCD projected some shadow figures following Jesus, Ben ran up to the front and said “I will follow Jesus”.. I think that’s the sweetest thing a child can do to show his love for God *muackz Ben!!*. However, according to Lucille, the other children leaders did not feel the same way and were disturbed by Ben’s actions. *well, maybe I should mention that Ben EATS paper!!! Erm… good sheep….? Ok.. the paper-eating behaviour is quite perturbing. Ben was thus being “reprimanded” and he emo after the children pastor talked to him. He climbed onto Lucille’s lap and looked sad and quiet *awwww… (T.T)…. Reminds me of Joseph sitting on my lap..*

Anyway, some people think Lucille shouldn’t be doing all the talking to Ben because Ben will always run to her and doesn’t really like the other children leaders *yea.. I also won’t like somebody who always thinks I’m weird and never try to understand me la..* Lucille feels hurt because she really really likes Ben and she thinks if people can try to understand Ben more, Ben is a sweet kid after all. I know according to all the teaching ethics and stuff, you are not supposed to show favouritism and all. But, sometimes, you just get attracted to certain individuals.. and you can’t explain it. It’s chemistry. Like how I was attracted to Joseph.. *he is a kid.. pls…* Like how certain people can be BFF, it would be cruel to ask them to forget about their mates and be acquainted with another person.

I think there is nothing wrong with Ben’s behaviour apart from the paper eating habit.. *somebody needs to tell him that paper may taste like seaweed but they are two different things!!!* Gee.. why make children behave the way you want them to be and limit their creativity..? If everyone were to tell Picasso that eyes were not supposed to be on the legs and stopped him from producing such obscure paintings, we will lose some of the world’s most precious paintings. Gee.. he is just a kid.. Let him be.. *paper eating habit needs immediate attention though*

And for Lucille.. Maybe God sent her to touch these people’s heart, just like how she has touched mine. Why separate her from Ben just because she always stands up for him..? I mean prim and proper little princesses may be easier to handle, that doesn’t mean all the “handful” children must go to the males. Please, girls are way more sensitive and better at handling kids. If you don’t know how the children will feel, then don’t decide for them..

Relationship

2008-06-14T05:01:00.000+10:00

Hmm.. How could I skip this part in my blog when half of my emoness is due to this problem. When I say relationship, I mean boy-girl relationship. Hmm.. What should I say, even the word alone sends chills down my spine. I made mistakes and I regretted following my heart instead of others’ opinions. Recently, I read through one of my best friends’ blog, she was again hurt by a jerk. *why can’t jerks just leave her alone, she is kind and pretty and smart, she deserves a good guy!!!* I like to shoutout in MSN on behalf of my friend which landed me with concerns from other friends.

X : ‘Focus on God and studies, relationships can wait’
Kelsey : ‘but.. I… was.. just shoutingout on behalf of my friend’
X : ‘yea rite..’

Y : ‘are u sure u got dumped..?’
Kelsey : ‘sial-lah you ni..’ *slapping action emoticon*

Emo part
Few weeks ago, I was caught in relationship troubles with a few bros from LG. A few leaders talked to me about it. Apparently, we were always seen talking to each other. I guess I was too used to Ning’s patting on my head, calling me ‘ah nor’ *means lil sis* and Nigel’s nickname for me ‘xiao si si’ *the nickname’s initial purpose was to annoy somebody.. hehe* that I overlooked the potential consequences that might arise if I didn’t do something about it.

I heed the leaders’ advice, less talk, less hang out with the bros. Well, I think I didn’t keep my promises well and soon I was caught in a downward spiral. I got my first warning. Dahla the leader is always so strict and hostile, lagila I takut when the person warned me. I actually had trouble talking to that leader again. I felt resentful because I thought I was doing my part not initiating outings and conversation with this bro. However, I realized that it was more than just not talking or not going out. Being a person who hates confrontations, I thought everything was settled when the bro apologized that he sent the wrong message to me.

But then.. aih.. Things took a turn for the worse. Emoness amidst assignment. Gee.. my emoness rippled and affected some of the people too.. hehe.. Then, I decided to change and keep my promises. I hope things will get better. I’m still praying for it. I will accept nothing but God’s plan *But God.. please.. I want to get married and have a family too.. please..* (onion head with watery eyes and both hands clapped together praying to God)

Annoyed part
Recently, I was quite furious when I found out that somebody used my photo as his display picture. *I am the type of person that will say ‘it’s ok, just don’t do it again’ even though what I really meant was ‘I’m pissed and you better don’t do it again or I will.. tell the leaders..’*

I was quite angry for a few days because I think he took advantage of my genuine friendship. I don’t like people to do the ‘路小雨和叶湘伦之秘密动作' on me unless I’m close to that person. He did it twice. *I wasn’t sure if he see my do-it-again-and-I-will-slap-you stare* Then my photo. Intrusion into my privacy! If not for Jesus who died on the cross for our sins, I wouldn’t have forgiven you. !@#$%^&*

The end for now.. :D

Memories in Australia - Part 2

2008-06-14T04:58:00.000+10:00

The best decision I have ever done after coming to Australia was to sms Shimei *I can’t possibly call her rite.. she might get the shock of her life if I were to start telling her about myself and how I got her contact. Or worst, she might think that I’m some psycho stalker.. *

To my surprise, her reply was “I was expecting you since weeks ago..” *gasp* *she knows me*

In the end, she called me after work and invited me to church on the following Sunday. Gee.. To be honest, I don’t really like meeting new people, especially if I don’t know any of the people. So I was forcing myself to get out of my comfort zone and meet new people. The first Sunday service I attended was held in Greek Club. There were throngs of people and I was sandwiched by the crowd from time to time *walk a few steps, piak~ being sandwiched by people* (FYI, *piak* is a sound effect)

Then Shimei introduced me to Ruth *Shimei is in the working adult group and Ruth is in the student group. Me is student, so to student group I went~~* The service was great. I felt God’s presence, my mind and heart were at peace, I knew that was home.

Whatever that follows is really amazing. I’m walking the right path, reading God’s words more than ever. Not to mention LG and church are the things that I look forward to every week. *I even miss my CCM friends if I don’t see them for more than 5 days* hehe.. When I was happily celebrating my new, emo-free life, my ex-roommate, Shirley, was having trouble in her walk with God. I chatted wit her over MSN and provided some ‘godly counsel’ *that’s what Shirley calls it* to her. *last time she was the one who always gave me godly counsel, I was glad I could help this time* :D hehe.. I was motivated to read more of God’s words, so that I can help people. Yea, PRAISE LORD for Nancie, my little mei mei. I was so happy when I heard the news that she went to church and CG. Nancie, keep shining for the Lord. Jie heart you much much. Hugz + Muackz..

Memories in Australia – Part 1

2008-06-14T04:46:00.000+10:00

Wow.. I can’t believe I have been in Australia for four months now. Time flies *this sayin is too cliché*. If I don’t start blogging, I don’t think I will remember my study life here after 5 years. Well, lets get started, from the very beginning..

At the airport, before departing..
Well, all the scholars dressed in formal black suits *that cost us RM400 for a badly done sewing, can’t resist to complain!!* and looked very intellectual *yea rite*. Anyway, most of the parents were there, spending the last few moments with their children before they boarded the plane to a foreign country. I wasn’t sure what I felt that day. I couldn’t really describe the feelings. It was something like you know you should be sad but then you just don’t feel that way.

The scholars had this group singing-flowers &chocolates dedication to all the parents. When I sang “I’m leaving on the jetplane” I could see tears rolling down mom’s cheeks. Yet, I was emotionless *maybe because I just woke up from my afternoon nap*. We hugged, we kissed, we said goodbye. Minutes before I removed my simcard, many friends sent in their best wishes to me. Not to mention those juniors who came to see me off *thanks for all the tight hugs, I had cramps after that*. The plane journey was awful. I had nausea and I didn’t touch the food provided. ~Eww

Upon reaching Brissy, everyone was excited. The weather was good, very sunny and bright, a total contrast to how I felt inside. The fears and anxieties started to creep in. My mind was filled with uncertainties. Like everyone else, I put on my best smile and greeted our lecturers. God knows what was beneath those smiles. My heart was really heavy until I had trouble to breathe *seriously*.

Having to see others with seniors to help them carry their luggage and I had to drag my own 25 kg of luggage *thank God I didn’t bring my collections of shoes and jewellery, if not die la ~~*, I felt more emo. I could feel the tears swelling in my eyes, and I was fighting to hold them back. Not in front of people, big girls don’t cry.

I was doing pretty well until I had my first food intake after 24 hours of empty stomach. 泪，决堤了。*no wonder de sandwich was so salty* I couldn’t help sobbing, I just couldn’t control myself. When Izzy asked me what happened, I burst into tears. I realized that I was a little girl after all, I still need hugs from friends and family, the little pig and doggy beside me when I sleep and a pat on the back when I weep. I stopped eating and went into the room. That night I prayed to God for courage and guidance. I made a promise not to cry again and to face trials with a strong heart.

I have been thinking all this while, why God chose to place me in Brisbane, without any Christian friends, without any support. Does He not afraid of losing me? That I might quit church and not call Shimei? That I will lose faith all together? But He is wise and in control of things. And I was safe walking alone wit him.

I remember the book entitled “Footprint” given by Shirley on my 18th birthday. It was about the writer, who was walking the path filled with daunting challenges and adversity, only to realise that two pairs of footprint which should have been God and him, have reduced to one pair. He asked God why he was abandoned and left to walk this thorny road on his own. Then God answered that He was actually carrying the writer on His back, and that explained the one pair of footprint. Gee.. so sweet rite.. *wink* I really love reading it. My faith in God was renewed after reading the article. *Daddy will never ever let His little princess walk on the thorny road, He will piggyback her until they reach the rosy path* :D