A new year has arrived!

25 days into January and I still want to write this post!


Gee.. felt like I have been through alot in these few weeks of 2010..


1) I came back to IPBA, once again after two years. It has become more dilapidated, filthy and we were given two-inches thick of dust and countless ants' nests as welcome gift. *thanks to my *kakak* Kellen, who faithfully scrubbed the windows and all the lizards' dropping until the sun light can finally shine through..*


2) The government has finally realised the value of excellent scholars as more than teachers in schools!!!! ATT: first class honours TESL students will be given the opportunities to become "young lecturers" in teacher training colleges!! *in other words, I need to toil and slave and whatever it takes to do well in this last semester!!* *and pray that our government has the finance to sustain this "young lecturers" programme*


3) Assignments start pouring in as usual.. and how I miss the Kiasu-geeks' battles for tutorial classes!! Malaysian government teaching colleges still practise the traditional I-paste-the-tutorial-class-paper-on-level-2-and-you-all-can-sign-up-later method of getting students to sign up for tutorials.. As a result, one of my friends forgot to sign up for one tutorial and he went unnoticed for weeks.. until he realised that he has to work in groups for assignments.. *kantoi!*


4) Back with Lucille and the gang.. No longer go to CF because.. CF is.. no longer happening since there's only two juniors and they are leaving soon.. Kinda sad.. and for some reasons, we just can't get along with the juniors like how we used to do with Nancie they all.. :(


5) I raid Mid Valley quite often.. and it does not excite me anymore.. things are getting really expensive and I just refuse to spend so much on some small little things..


6) One of my friends has clinical depression. I could relate to her situations when she told me her stories.. I remembered last year when I had difficulties trying to move on and let go.. It takes somebody who had depression to understand one.. Listening to her, I could see that she gets agitated even with the slightest thing and she could not understand why people are not seeing things from her perspectives.. I was like this last year.. I felt the world was against me and wondered if God loves me anymore.. But having this experience helps me to understand people with depression.. I have learnt to understand them even if they sound unreasonable and very childish, to accept them, to help them rebuild their confidence and to help them get out of the vicious cycle of self-condemning.



7) S is diagnosed with leukaemia and most likely she won't graduate with us. Justin left for Sabah yesterday and we had a great authentic Korean dinner with him. I regret not spending enough time knowing people and inviting them to be part of my life.. Goal this year: to appreciate my friends and to let them know that!! (^.^)



8) I will continue to love you because you are my friend! Even if one day things do not work out between us, I will still pray for your happiness with someone else. I love you enough to let you go for the best.



Ok.. gotta do assignment now! :)

5 in the morning

Lately I have been waking up at 5 in the morning, awoken by the sound of the lock clanking against the door. First thought: burglar!!! Second thought: How come there is no longer any sound now that I am awake. The funny thing was: it is always the same sound, same time in the morning that wakes me up.

After coming back to Malaysia, I rarely wake up early. Thus far, the earliest morning I woke up to was 9 a.m. What an irony. Before this, I always woke up before 9, whether or not I have class in the morning. As if there is a biological alarm in me that wakes me up before 9 a.m. In Australia, I sleep at weird hours and waking up at 1, 2, 3 o’clock in the morning is never a problem for me. Assignment, phone calls and sometimes the desperation for fast internet connection are among the reasons for my activities in the wee hours of the morning.

The last week I was in Australia, at 5 a.m. the day was already brighten and reaching to scorching hot temperature. In contrast, 5 a.m. in Malaysia is the time when everyone is soundly asleep *except for kukutbi next door who usually asks for milk at this time of the morning* and there is hardly any sign of a city bustling with cars and people. Things are definitely different for Australia, especially at a location like my Red Hill apartment. At 4 a.m. on Tuesday, you can hear the rubbish truck collecting waste from house to house *then I would groan.. because I forgot to push the big waste bin to the road side again..*. At 5 a.m. you would hear heaps of cars honing and passing by, moving bumper to bumper at the traffic light; then I would know it is time to wake up, to freshen up myself and start doing my tutorial homework *on Mondays*. Ahh.. the life without restriction aka laziness.

Towards a certain extent, I miss life in Australia. The freedom, the mobility of going to anywhere, everywhere, the unhealthy lifestyle of not eating for days *due to my dad’s daily excessive spoon feeding, right now, I need food every 4 hours to sustain me for the day*, fast internet connection *life is appallingly miserable with pages that reluctantly loads only after clicking ‘refresh’ button for umpteen times* and friends in Australia *especially daniels*..

On a morning like this, I wake up and look around: different sets of furniture around me; and I thought about the sets of furniture, somewhere far away, which have accompanied me for the past two years. Such love for furniture? hehe, figurative language here!

My wandering thoughts

Recent gossip has it that one of my seniors who is about to walk the aisle with her fiancé is now considering to call off the wedding. On the other hand, another senior of mine is engaged to her ex-bf. Yep, there is nothing wrong with your eyes, ex-bf turns fiancé. However, her blog entries kinda reveal the qualms in her wedding decision. After all, there must be a good reason why somebody becomes your ex right.

I’m currently at a stage where quite a number of my friends are considering marriage in two years time, engaged or married *never realized I have grown to that age*. Sometimes, I do wonder if I would ever get married after all. For me, I rather not marry than to marry for the sake of marriage, or worst, to please my parents. Having a rather unpleasant marriage incident at home further warns me to not make the wrong decision later in life.

Few months ago, I read this book entitled “A love that lasts”. I spent many months reading it, always having it with me when I travel to work. Many times I feel bad because I realise the consequences of my actions, how they have affected the people that love me. Sometimes I feel vindicated, especially when the co-author (author’s wife) shares about things from the female’s perspectives. At times, I feel confused. Judging from the state of my relationship, I should not be in a courtship at all. Once in a while I would feel so angry and tired of reading the book; too occupied thinking about all the wrong things he had done. After all, I am just a little girl who is trying to get your attention.

Anyway, I feel slightly relieved after reading the book, mainly because whatever conflicts that I had with my ex are nothing compared to what the author and his wife had been through. But the importance of having God in a relationship, in a family is what I learnt most from the book. It always takes God’s love to mend a broken heart, to give us the courage to face the person that had hurt us so much, to enable us to love without strings attached. I read testimonies of how God’s love changes the life of couples at the brink of divorce and restore the love that was lost.

Current situation at home is not good. Daddy and mommy always quarrel. And guess what, I'm on dad's side *it would be perfect if he would stop spending those hundreds on buying numbers*. It is not like I do not want to side my mom, but she is taking things really.. far.. I understand her love for all of us, especially her patience after how Kelvy condemns her, but I just hate how she verbally attacks me for no reason.

Sometimes, I wonder why I should be the "good" girl at home since no matter how damned you are, you will still inherit the family's properties, spends money like water, enjoy all the delicious food on the table. To top it up, you do not need to contribute anything because you are so damned that they do not expect anything from you.

If only God’s love permeates my family, perhaps daddy and mommy would have more peaceful days. Perhaps, things would be different at home. Perhaps, I would enjoy being home, more.

My friend once told me: Love is beyond the feeling of burning passion for somebody, beyond the romantic dinners and countless “I love you” in a day. Love is when everything fails, I would still be there for you.

Last day

Tonight will be my last night in Red Hill, Brisbane. I'm having extreme mixed feelings here..

Am abit nervous: Heard about all the negative comments and issues about Malaysia.. gee.. what if.. I can't adapt to the new environment?

Am abit sad: I'm leaving and I have not heard his voice or any news from him.. other than "I'm tired after soaking in hot spring"

Am abit worried: Heaps of stuff and I don't know what to do with them. Leaving some at Xi's but man.. I hate to trouble people.. or turning people's house into garage.. and, God knows if I'm coming back again.. And luggage currently over limit.. *dead meat*

Am happy: I will see daddy again, little monster Hildi and Li Yang is learning how to walk now.. Seeing those faces of people I love.. Indulging in those food I love..

Getting a iMac for myself.. Gonna learn programming and designing.. through trial and error.. Schedule will be really packed when I go back to Malaysia..

Wondering how life would be, what does my future hold, who is my future partner *:P* and praying against any thoughts that discourage me from loving people, loving God.

Bye Brisbane, thank you for the lovely memories. Bye my dear friends, thank you for putting up with me, thanks for the cheer and love messages when I'm down, thanks for the guidance, thanks for pushing me to go further..

THANK YOU!!

QUT farewell

I need to blog about this because it was something very special and very dear to my heart.

I attended the QUT cohort 4 farewell party on 4 Novemeber 2009. Little was expected from the farewell party as my mind was mostly occupied with everything about curriculum comparison. The only expectation I have of the farewell party was.. food.. Malaysian food for that matter.

I was not even bothered to dress up nicely *simply grabbing a top and pairing it with black pants*

But the event was one that I will remember for the rest of my life. There is no words that can express how I felt at that moment.

The acappella performed by various ones in cohort 4 and cohort 5 was simply.. awesome.. I have never really enjoyed any singing performance in my entire college or uni life so much.. I mean, they are really good stuff!!!

Bob Elliot did a speech and he even acknowledged the outstanding results of two students who did very well in the cohort. Knowing that I was one of them, my heart was fluttered with excitement.. It's not everyday that you can be acknowledge in public.. especially for outstanding results in a foreign country *proud*. Jo did a speech with poise, as Jo usually does. We watched some videos and the memories of all, together, sharing life in this foreign land, the love I receive and give.. My tears were streaming down the cheeks.. And I saw Jo too, wiping tears off her eyes..

Jan recited a poem she wrote for us. It was very Jan-like, with all the "out of the world" descriptions about us *we are her possums.. what a nickname rite*. Towards the end of the poem, her voice changed.. and she was struggling to finish the poem in sobs.. That moment, my tears went out of control.. Kak Fad and Nisah were frantically fanning me *I certainly do not know the relation between fanning and stopping someone from crying* before my tears came pouring down like rain.

How much can a lecturer love her students, of different race, different beliefs, different country and sometimes naughty enough to cause lotsa troubles for her.. The answer is, love is not measured by words or actions.. The depth can only be measured by time and heart.

I have never really shared a super close bond with these lecturers but the love and encouragement that I receive from them.. To offer me accommodation and encouragement when my household situation arises.. To tell me that I'm loved and capable when I did not do well.. To assure me that I have potential to go further when I could not see the path ahead of me.. Sometimes people love you but when you do something wrong, they withdraw the love.. But these lecturers, they have never withdrawn their love to care for us, guide us, despite how we disappoint them sometimes..

Jo & Jan, thank you for showing your parental love for me.. I can never repay this kindness but I will pass it on, to love my students in the future.

Because you are so much better!

Yesterday I did not do well in the exam, last minute preparation and I did not give my full commitment to study for it. I felt awful the whole day. Some people might say "hey, you always get 6 and 7, it's alrite to get 5 actually" or "you are smart, perhaps you will get 6, don't have to worry!'. It's not like my aim to study is to collect good grades, there's more to it.

I know that the chance for me to get another scholarship to further my post grads in overseas would be.. as slim as.. lidi.. I'm saving every penny that I have earnt for future studies. But I do hope *very very very much* that I can get scholarship from other countries so that I won't have to fork out alot of money.. And the criteria to get scholarship requires me to obtain first class in my bachelor. Jo said I am.. like.. another 0.1 to getting the first class.. I really don't want to ruin everything..

I talked to Jo after the exam, feeling.. very down. Had a good chat about future and studies and she told me this, that really encouraged me "Do not let anyone tell you that you can't write well because you write beautifully and I certainly love reading your essays" she further added "Not many people in this programme can write like that but you are certainly one of those who can really go so much further in studies! You must do post grads!"

AWWWWW.. Isn't that sweet? It really lifted up my spirit.. *FYI: I love to be fed with praises and love and presents*

I will do post grads and I will remember the encouragement and wisdom you have imparted to me. Thank you Jo!

one month before Goodbye

Last time I used to write "a month after reaching Brisbane" but today I will write "a month before leaving Brisbane". I have been waiting for this time. I anticipate, jot down in my diary, calendar, repeat it over and over on my MSN shoutout and now I'm going to post an entry about it!

I loved this place but it is time to go back. I have no desire to stay here, other than to do my postgraduate course. There is seriously no place like home. Despite all the challenges and family conflicts back in Malaysia, I still want to go home. Brisbane is like a place I take refuge in, until I have gathered enough strength to face challenges back at home.

I'm obviously more cheerful these few days. Assignments almost done, time drawing near. On 1 Dec, I will touch down in KLIA and Ben Ben will be there to fetch me and a new chapter of my life will begin! \(^.^)/

I want to thank everyone that has moulded, encouraged, spurred me to press forward with their kind words, encouragement or even selective watching. I have learnt alot and these memories will always be in my heart, for the rest of my life! Definitely!

All the best to my friends in Brissie. Goodbye.